It
amazes me how for so long I have struggled with life like I was in a wrestling
match, and losing. I looked over my emails and discovered my writings that I
had saved or sent to myself from back to 2005. I seen that I had been
pursuing the same dream, I am pursuing now, then, but naïve. I didn’t really
know where to turn, and it seemed that I had an abundance of opportunity but I
had to pay for it, so it really never gotten anywhere and with no one around to
be a guide on if I should pay or what healthy decision I should make, I made
none. Now, ten years later I am finding out about all the information that I
have desperately been in search of for like forever, and I’m struggling with,
Am I good enough? Why, why have I gotten so far and now, still I struggle?
It is funny that you are told for so
long that you must work for everything that you receive but when someone hands
you something or life just opens the door without the struggle like you can’t
find your key, so you struggle with trying to open the door not realizing that
it has been open all alone, that is me. I don’t know how to receive the good
without the pain. I know I need rewiring. I need to change the patterns of my
mind, and it isn’t like I don’t have access to change, it is just in the mean time
of working on me, life keeps going and going and going without my two cents or
with a care on how I feel.
I wonder if people stop to see if I’m
okay, or is it too much to ask because I’m so tired of believing in me on my
own. I don’t have a support system and have known that since my days of
desiring to be a model. Don’t get me wrong I have had people with me for steps,
but they haven’t stuck around for the miles, and I need miles. I need someone
there that will say, don’t give up. I will help you because I believe in you. I
have my babies and I love them, but they can’t help mommy. They are there for
me but they can’t be an adult when they are children and they can’t be my
shoulder because I need to be theirs.
I have stopped my life to help
someone else’s dreams manifest upon the earth. I can’t say that I was there
through it all, but I definitely lend more than a helping hand. I just wish I
had someone in my life that would sacrifice time to help me.
I don’t want to struggle on my road
to where life is leading me. I want to embrace the changes that I am faced
with. I desire to walk gracefully down my road. I want to pack lightly for the
journey and not be consumed by what I can’t change. I never give up when it
comes to the desires of my heart no matter how long it takes for me to say, I
don’t want to struggle anymore with my decisions, with how I view life or what
I really want, and I don’t have to beat myself up because I have gained access
to the door that life has opened up for me by me finally just simply opening
the door.
(not my image)
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