Fighting for the Vision pt. 2

 

This is a mini book representing one of the tragic moments that I had to experience back in October. My desire is that this book is used to heal me while healing others.

What do you do when the veil over your life is so dark and the weight of the world is upon you?

How do you begin to see light (pursuing your dreams and goals)? Keep reading and I will let you know.

 

They had placed me in the car and I was utterly frantic and the more they drove the more my heart ripped out of my chest. What were they making me go see and why couldn’t I just have my dad. If I could just have my dad then everything would be alright. I didn’t need to go see him in the hospital, to me, he wasn’t dead and they would soon learn that nothing was going to convince me otherwise.

As we went down the road I wanted to open the car door and run down the street. I knew he was going to come back to me. God wouldn’t allow him to leave me. It had to be a lie. I wanted my dad, now. I went back into being a child in search for her parent when he or she is lost. I felt uprooted from what I knew my life to be. I felt sick. I just wanted to see his face, to hold him even if it was just for one last time. I needed my dad, but the answer to when I would see his face and hold him again would turn into the longest wait of my life.

We drove down the dark highway and all I could think of was my book but at the time I didn’t know how it was connected but I knew it was similar. I had killed London’s father in the book but I didn’t remember how, but the agony can’t be described the way I felt after hearing the news. I felt like knives were piercing my flesh travelling deep within the wound of darkness and ultimate despair. I felt alone and just wanted to rock myself to sleep but I wanted my dad. I needed him and I wasn’t ready to process that he wasn’t coming back. I wasn’t ready to believe anything.

We arrived at the hospital and when I saw my dad’s car, oh hope reigned over me. I just needed to believe he was in there alive and well. They tried to get me out of the car but I didn’t want to get out. I kept repeating I didn’t want to go. I cried uncontrollably and I was in severe pain. I had lost it. I wanted to go home. People came trying to get me out but I didn’t want too. I didn’t know why I refused. What was I trying to protect myself from that I wasn’t aware of?

 

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Fighting for the Vision pt. 1 by Matasha Lee

(This is a mini book that I will share with fans about one of the biggest struggles that I have to overcome. The book is based off the events that happened after I received the news about my dad passing. One of the most tragic moments in my life happened the early mornings of October 5th. Immediately felt a veil covering my eyes and I had to find a way to fight for my vision again, but it wasn't just a physical fight but a spiritual one. My dreams and goals where at stake and I needed to begin to see real fast before I allowed myself to enter into complete and utter darkness. I am introducing to you, in parts, Fighting for the Vision because it is a very difficult subject to speak on and I am clearly not ready but through this process not only will I be writing again but healing and hopefully it will heal someone else as well. I am in a fight and I will win!)

notmyimage



Fighting for the Vision by Matasha Lee pt. 1

 

I had just got back on Facebook after a weeklong of being off and I was somewhat relieved. I had also written that day, so I felt accomplished. A few people liked it on Twitter and soon it would be mentioned, but as soon as I got back on fb I was messaged with, “I love you,” and I responded with, “I love you too.” “Well, I just wanted to let you know, daddy just had a heart attack.” I felt so confused but a part of me wasn’t afraid. I felt like he would be alright and he would get through it, but I hated that I couldn’t call him nor could I drive out to see him, so I texted him and was going to do everything in my will power to get to him to make sure he was okay.

Not even two hours later, I am receiving a phone call from my oldest brother saying that my dad didn’t make it. I screamed that he was lying and immediately my world darkened and I felt so much pain inside. Everything that made sense no longer made sense. Everything that was possible no longer seemed possible. I never knew my world could shift in such a way where I no longer understood life. Immediately I felt withdrawn from the world I knew. I cried so heavily that I felt my heart begin to ache and I felt my insides being ripped. My head felt like I would explode. It couldn’t be true and I wasn’t in a position to believe it. I was just waiting for my dad to show up and tell me it was a lie. I went temporarily insane. I have Tourettes which causes your body to have dominance over you when you have no control, and boy, did it show up that night. I felt like a little kid again, lost and in desperate need of love.

My family came over and tried to get me to go to the hospital but I was not having it. Even though I can’t fully control how my body reacts when my Tourettes act up I can comprehend everything that is going on around me and they had to drag me out of the house. I felt as if they were taking me away from my dad. I held on to the rails real tight and pleaded for them to leave me alone. They lied to me and told me that my dad was still alive. Even though at the time I didn’t believe that he was gone, I knew he wasn’t any longer with me when I received that phone call but I needed to be at home so he could tell me that everything would be okay. Pain came on me like it was becoming new skin upon my flesh. I couldn’t shake it. I just became completely covered and my eyes wore a dark veil that kept me from being able to see any light in the room.

 

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