Wednesday, April 29, 2015

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow"

While I was getting ready to post my last post entitled, "Wilderness Experience," this song came into my head and I just had to share it. I believe that there is a place out there that is better than just surviving, but it isn't a physical journey to seek, but more of an inner journey to discover that leads you to the outer place of where you are meant to be.

Many times we continue wandering in the wilderness because we do not desire to go within and clean up the corruption that we have allowed to camp inside, some of us aren't even aware that we are hosting so much pain, but it shows on the outside of us. We aren't meant to remain at a poverty state. If we lack it is only because we are learning how to have and appreciate what we have already obtained. We are at a place of humility and gratitude.

We tend to learn that what we seek on the outside of us is already within, so, we really only seek ourselves through others and experiences. The level of happiness and joy we experience with another is a direct reflection of what we experience with ourselves when no one is around.

We can go through life, merely, just surviving or we can take the risk and get to the other side.
Everyone's view of happiness isn't the same, so we can't expect all of our promise lands to look the same, but we can know that we have a life worth living not just surviving.

 

The Wilderness Experience


The Wilderness by Matasha Lee

 

When the Israelites were freed from their oppressor, they were brought to the wilderness where they stayed for a great amount of time. Within the wilderness you had those of old with old mentalities desiring to worship God in the ways of what they knew and go about life the way they knew before, not desiring to change, and not desiring to experience something new. Their desire was to make the wilderness their home, but the wilderness experience wasn’t supposed to be set up for them to make a home, but for them to survive until they reached their promise land, so much so, that their food was provided for each day and nothing could be saved or the canker worms would eat of it. The wilderness is set up for survival. You wake up and move toward your destiny, you eat, sleep, and honor the One who has brought you thus far. You don’t set up camp, worship services, and you do not make the wilderness your home. You must continue to move forward.

 

I look at my generation today and we have the keys to our promise land but we are still out picketing the ways of old, and we can’t move on because of so much anger camped inside of us from our ancestors of the past. We burn down the shrines that suppose to represent prosperity but really represent our downfalls. We are burning our homes to the ground because we do not desire a wilderness experience. We are the generation who should be awarded the promise land, yet, we are barely surviving with nothing but faith keeping us afloat. We are at the verge of turning into our forefathers, and casting aside our dreams. Why, simple, we are tired. We do not desire to picket; we don’t desire to be beaten by police, shot like dogs, to afraid to step outside our doors. We desire a chance, and many of us lose hope because we don’t see that chance in sight. So, what do we do, we make homes in the wilderness, we start families in the wilderness, children are raised in the wilderness, we grow up in the wilderness, we run wild in the wilderness, not going anywhere. We are waisting away, and yet you have idiots believing that when they turn on their television that these young people who are rioting and looting stores are destroying their homes when they are really destroying their wilderness experience. They are unconsciously or consciously destroying what many have desired to represent to be their promise lands. They are looting, stealing because they desire to feed their wilderness experience. No one is providing directions to the promise land, the leaders of today are calling them thugs and not by their true name, promise ones. Our ancestors have already been beaten, hung, brutalized, destroyed, that is not supposed to be my generation. My generation was asked at an early age, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” We had dreams put inside of us, and told to go to college. We are the generation of the American Dream, but look now, it is slipping away, and yet we continue to wander around with no goals in sight. We are suppose to be under a declaration that declares that we have the inalienable right to Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness, but how is that possible when all three are being taken away, college prices are sky rocketing, there are areas that will not even allow buses in their community to keep certain people out knowingly knowing that they have the best schools around, but they only desire certain people to attend it. These days you can afford college through financial aid, but where will you stay because there isn’t any money left over to board, and you still have to eat, and survive because let’s face it, college is an wilderness experience, that is why dorms are set up, not mansions or two-story homes, you have ramen noodles to eat, not at five star restaurants, you are in debt from student loans until you graduate and find a decent job, and if you have graduated from college you know that isn’t the truth and it isn’t easy to find a job at all, even though you went to school to have a career not struggle to receive minimum wage because how will minimum wage pay for $20000 of debt, when it can’t even help you find a decent place to lay your head. God forbid you make any mistakes while you are in college because you may end up paying for it for your entire life and don’t dare change your mind of what you desire to be because you may just end up paying even more money, and don’t be behind on your education because then they will charge even more for the basics before you ever get a chance to head towards what you desired to go to school for in the first place, but, yes, let’s keep sending our children off to school because it is important to receive an education, I don’t deny it, we just won’t make it accessible for everyone leaving people with that route closed and departure signs to exit left and head towards the welfare line, or McDonalds while shoving advertisements down our throats reminding us that you just haven’t gotten to the promise land.

 

I use to think God hated me because I didn’t have nice things and barely had any food to eat. And, because I had made mistakes and had children out of wedlock, two to be exact, by the age of 21, I thought he had casted me away, written me off. I didn’t seem blessed because I had lost it all, so many times, school, jobs, home, I wandered around in my wilderness experience, feeling abandoned and alone. I found out as I kept traveling down my road of life that He didn’t. If anything He became my experience. He became the wind when I had to walk a long way home to push me when I was tired. He became food when I needed to eat, water when I needed to drink. He became opportunities when I needed cash on hand and an umberella to protect me in the storm. I know about my wilderness experience so well, so I am not quick to judge the anger of my brothers and sisters. For, I weep for them, I weep because I know how they feel. I know what it is like to grow up on the south side of town, what is really considered the black side of town. I know what it feels to desire to shine but yet still want to fit in because you don’t desire to shine alone and you definitely don’t want to leave your friends behind who are struggling to come to terms with seeing that there is a better world out there than the one that is been handed to us. You don’t want to become more than what your family sees you becoming because then you may think you are better than the next person causing you to be alone, don’t dare have nice things because you may be outshining the next, so the cycle continues up and down, never amounting to anything, never going anywhere. I’ve had the priviledge to step outside of religion and learn from different teachers of life which has drawn me closer to God but what has drawn me even closer was in really dark moments when I had no one to call on, and no electronics to get to the greats, when I had to fall on my knees with blindness of tears, and humble myself before God, those moments led me to love Him more.

 

Now, how do we get out of the wilderness? How do we stop having a wilderness experience? Here is some honesty, first, we must stop fighting each other. Let’s X out the cops and the racist people of the land and those stuck in their ways, let’s not focus on them. Let’s focus on US; we have to help each other heal. We have to accept each other’s greatness. We have to stop building homes in the wilderness and keep striving for our dreams and goals to come about. We can’t worry about the debt we consume along the way. When we live for God there are certain things that can’t harm you. You may be in the wilderness but you will not be of it. You will travel through and it will not take you forty years to come out. You will see our generation take back control of our environment and change the way things are operating. Our children will not be afraid to love their enemies. They will not be afraid to sit by someone different than they are. They will be raised to love each other, even if that means relations. We will accept those who are heterosexual as well as homosexual or gay. We will accept one another for who we are, genuinely. We will not tear each other down because we desire to pursue our dreams. You know we don’t suppose to be picketing, rioting, or looting. You know when you take those things it will only lead you further into the wilderness and what you’ve stolen will be eaten up and you will not get the experience you desire out of it because it wasn’t put on your block for you to prosper. It was put there for you to seem dressed well as a wanderer. It is a golden shrine that must be destroyed but not by your hands, but by you actually moving forward into being Owners yourselves, so when you get ready to buy up the entire store you will have the ability to buy for those who have no shoes, where it will last until they are able to follow in your shoes. We have the power to change the world. We have the power to enter into our promise land. It starts with us. We have to forgive, and we have to heal. I know it wasn’t fair and you be damn if what they did to our ancestors will happen to us. We want their blood, but it can’t happen by us shedding our own. We have to stand in a more powerful way. We have the ability too.

 

Let’s leave our wilderness experience, once and for all, and head towards our promise land. Let’s declare a new decree: We are free to be the promise Ones. We are a chosen generation, a priestly hood. We weren’t meant to die in the wilderness. God rose up our generation to be leaders, to stand up for one another. I am standing with you. I am pushing. I am not giving up, and each time I try I am showing you that life is worth living, not just surviving. We weren’t meant to just survive. Christ who loves this outcast generation said He died so that we can have a right to the tree of life. We are meant to prosper in a land flowing with milk and honey. It is our birth right to live a full life. We see life differently because we are different. We are the age of today that has everything we need equipped in us to face any storm that comes our way and any challenge that we need to overcome. We may be in the wilderness, being laughed at, talked about, they may think we will not rise to be all that we are suppose to be but we will because we are meant to enter into the land that God has reserved for us. I’ll see you there.

http://www1.artflakes.com/artwork/products/843913/poster/s-s-dot-r-green-pastures-02040523.jpg?1329861385

 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Plea

I was angry when I wrote this. I write in a overall matter, not pointing fingers at one particular thing, but I just kept reading yesterday comments and what was going on with the Baltimore Riots and I just said What do you want? I mean really shouldn't we be able to know the answer to that, to find out what these cops really desire so the deadly use of force can stop, and we can stop turning on the news seeing someone else gunned down. Is it so much fear inside of us that all we know is violence? I know that this isn't going on everywhere. There is love and unity coming together to help those in Nepal and people are praying but wow, the tragedies that are occurring you can't help but want to cry and pray. It is so hard for me to look away. I can't even see a piece of trash on the ground and not feel to pick it up. I be feeling obligated just like now to say something.
 
The Plea: What do you want? By Matasha Lee

Okay, we get it. We hear you. We hear you loud and clear. You want blood, you want people’s mamas crying in the street for their children, you want corruption, you want blacks to act the like buffoons that they are, you want to beat someone to a bloody pulp, you want to chase men down with guns and shoot them until they are dead, you want the dead man’s story to never be told. You want their characters to be destroyed. We get it. We get it, already!

So, what will make you stop all this? What will make you say enough is enough? What will help you to stand with us not against us? What will get you to join hands with us and say that today, We stand as Americans, United, not across from one another guarded with walls so high that not even love is passing through. Must we continue to hurt one another must we continue to shed blood? I want to understand you, I really do, but you aren’t speaking to us, you are beating us, stereotyping us, racially profiling us, you know not every black man, woman, person fits into your categories, but yet you continue to proceed on, and then the crowd comes, which I will get to later, that doesn’t care if you live or die, or go back to your families at night, they are there to play both sides of the fences, once the news ends they are on to something new. They will celebrate when they choose too, and the families will continue to go on mourning. I know a lot of you are church goers, what will it take for you to bow your head in prayer? Are you so rooted in your training that you can’t cry out, “Father, I stretch my hands to thee, no other help I know?” I know you aren’t. I know you are way more capable of submitting yourself as a humble human being with the ability to show love for your brother and sister, or do you feel we should not receive that much? Do you feel that we are already in hell, no need to pray for us, that we get what we deserve? I want to know! Talk to me, talk to us, let us know! You must have something to say. We are humbly asking for you to stop! We are humbling asking for you to forgive us if we have trespass against you. We are humbling asking you to look at us for once, damn it, not as some animal that needs prison walls to be trained and removed from the light of society, but as human beings with the same blood running through our veins as you. We are one, are we not? Do we not stand upon the same ground as our ancestors? Do we not each weep a tear for our love ones? Do we not desire to see the new day horizon as the sun peeks into the sky? If our desires are the same then we must be able to find a common ground, right? We must be able to have a healthy conversation and at the end of the day and be able to hug one another. There has to be a good cop out there that will stand for justice and equality for all. If you are out there, which I know that you are, then speak up! We need you to speak up! We need you to stand with us and fight this fight! We can’t do it alone. We need one another. We need you!

“This war will not end, until we find a way to love one another!”-Matasha Lee

 

"Now, I lay me down to sleep

Another poem to express my feelings. I know I get to let it all go when the news no longer desires to air it, and it isn't the trending topic anymore. I know I don't have to continue to suffer through the lost of losing someone dear to me. I do desire to use my voice as a tool to speak on what I see. My best weapon to use in a fight of injustice is my power of words, and these words have been locked up inside of me and I haven't used my platform given to me until now.
 
“Now, I lay me down to sleep.” By Matasha Lee

Now, I lay me down to sleep,

Oh, God, there is another murder on the street.

Your people are crying.

What do I say?

How can we change the direction that we are heading into today?

I know it ain’t all bad but the cameras are capturing the chaos and the aftermaths of the storm.

What’s a story without seeing something fallen,

Even if it is another young man or woman falling to the hands of a small piece of lead that has destroyed so many.

Lord, I’m tired and I need your help.

I don’t want to get to the point where I become numb to my brother’s pain and write him off as another one.

I want to feel for him, speak for him, and cry the tears that he couldn’t shed.

Lord, I need an answer because the answers that are out there are confusing and there is so much noise that the words people are saying aren’t fueling and I keep seeing someone post that we have to stop this but they fail to see that we must stop it all.

Yes, not only must the cops put their weapons down, but the gangs and corrupted ones must do the same. They must get to a point where they come to one another and have a conversation with each other, or the war will never end, and we will keep fighting and picking up signs to picket without changing a thing. So many officials will keep attending funerals quoting the same thing, adding to the list of the slang, while we get to turn the channel when it is all said and done. We no longer have to weep, our job is done. We no longer have to criticize those who have to continue to mourn. We can move on with our lives until it is another one, and then they will ask the families to please make the crowd to quiet down, get on the mic and ask for peace while tears drip down their face knowing their bodies will rock with pain and in the morning when they call their love ones name because they really thought it was just a dream, and he or she won’t answer because he or she was slang, and peace will not come knocking at the door, and that child will not see his or her parent again, and that wife won’t ever hug her husband again, and the pain, oh, the pain will never end, and because of his or her death, they are looting and rioting again, and they have to be added to one of the families that should have done a better job at raising their kids, even if you done your best to teach, they will still blame you, will someone preach and tell the truth, it’s sad that all we desire is to make each other blue, not caring if I fellow brother or sister ever receive peace, as long as they dismiss themselves from the anger boiling in the street.

All the families are not angry for what the police done, they desire for everyone to just get along, as they hold the picture of their love one in their arm. Yes, that is exactly what they desire peace, but peace was taken away when the streets no longer could call their babies name and they no longer walked the face of the earth, and the money that was saved for college is now paying for a funeral. How in the world can one have peace when no one is dare saying I’m sorry when they air the enemy’s quotes on national TV that they would be willing to do it again, getting paid to be interviewed with falsified scratches that heals in a day, while bullet holes ring through another person’s body. Oh, please, give these families some peace. Let them know what it feels like to hold their love ones again. Help them to understand why they have to endure so much pain. Help them to understand why they scrutinize their child’s name. Oh, please, send them some peace.

Father, God, I call out to thee, no other help I know, I know you are weeping for your children while you continue to love us so. We need you like never before. Shower down your love upon our heads as we bathe in your love and grace. Keep us under your wings of mercy as we camp under your bosom hiding away from the tragedies that we have to face. I know it isn’t my business to intervene but when you taught me to love, you just didn’t tell me to love you, but everybody. At first, I couldn’t possibly understand, why love someone who doesn’t love me, but you showed me differently and I must do the same, so I’m calling out to you, Oh, God, I am calling out your name, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, Jehovah Nissi, Lord, you reign in victory, Lord, we need you and we can’t make it without you. We need you right now, as Smokie Norful would say. We need you to guide us, right now, Lord, protect our very beings, in the midst of the crowd I seen them attempt to hold each other’s hand, Lord, allow one of your innocents to touch the armor man, and maybe, just maybe he will hug that child and tell him or her everything will be okay that trouble may last through the night, but joy will arrive in the morning and he or she will feel that child’s embrace, and will help them to change the way they are viewing the world.

We are not your enemy, we carry the same blood as you, We need you, just as much as you need us. We appreciate that you keep the streets rid of those who try to harm us, but that criminal or not, deserves due justice, so wear your badge with pride, and send their asses off to jail, don’t take matters into your own hands, and send them off to their grave, don’t abuse people while others have to stop pleading and begging for you to stop shooting, and still hoping to get out of your way before you shoot them down today. Oh, Lord, we pray,

Amen!

Poetry: I want to start a war

This poem reflects my feelings regarding the police violence and the riots. I am so tired of seeing the same thing over again. I really try to spot the good in it all with tears running down my face. I can't help but to feel that I've grown up with these young people who are slain because their neighborhoods look familiar to mine and I can understand the frustration when all hell breaks loose. It seems as if people walk blind to your environment until it is up in flames and the very people that the violence has erupted with was on their last straw. I really try to look at both sides but it is hard to be empathetic when the cops seem to be enjoying it. I will never understand anyone who enjoys killing another human being, or see their family suffering from the lost of their love one. I just don't understand. I want too. I will love to sit down with a cop and he or she just helps me understand why the good cops want protect the citizens that they have sworn to protect and serve. We all have a right to due justice, and a right to life that shouldn't be taken away from someone who desires to take matters into their own hands. God has given me a platform to use, and that is through creativity that I can express my feelings and maybe it will touch someone else. My words aren't meant to spread hate. My words are meant to spark up a conversation because things are getting out of control. Maybe the media doesn't desire to air the good cops, I've seen some and know some, but it isn't just right to be a good cop where no one sees you, in these days and times they need to record it. They need to come out and denounce the use of deadly force and brutality. How powerful would it be for a cop to take a stand with the people and not against the people? Are our cameras capturing the violence and not the opportunity to touch one of those who are angry? I really want to understand, but I have been trying to get it since Trayvon Martin and I haven't gotten it since.

 
I want to start a war by Matasha Lee

I want to start a war.

I want to be angry at the injustice I see,

No more, yes sir, no sir,

 I will not wear my cotton picking overalls,

And humble myself and pray.

I will throw bricks at you and charge at you.

I will destroy you like you do me,

For what is my love to you anyway,

But if I raise my hand to you in anger,

Bust a camp in your ass like you are so willing to do mine,

Who am I?

I am know better than you,

And I take the pain and walk away,

Until I turn my back and you stab it again.

I turn on the news and it is another one laid out in the street.

Fuck calling the ambulance, let them bleed, don’t cover them up,

Let the world see,

This could happen to you, if you fuck with me.

I am the big bad police.

So, yeah, fuck it,

I want to start a war.

You will call me an animal anyhow,

So black face, hoodie cap, and black gloves,

Here we go,

Murder, murder

Kill, kill,

Now, I feel good that it was you and not me,

But sad case is the pain still will not heal,

And I just turned on the news and it happen again,

I can’t keep starting a war,

Wearing the same mask as you.

My reflection can’t keep reflecting you.

Damn it, it has to be another way.

I will use my hands and my mind to change things.

I will use my voice to speak up.

I will humble myself enough to say, you win, now, what do you want?

How can we better serve you?

Is there anything we can do?

Do you desire to see us, or will you rather see us slang?

Do you even desire to know my name?

Matasha Lee is my birth name.

I am twenty-seven years old.

You barely see me, but I hug some of you, when I see you pass and go,

Because you taught me about violence and staying away from drugs when I was in DARE,

You didn’t teach me to fear you, you taught me to care,

Not just about myself but another,

What happen to you?

Where are you, now?

When the world is viewing you as the ones to hate!

We scream fuck the police and you stand their shield,

What happen to you being able to come to us, and speak?

Have you forgotten we are those same children that sat in that room and listen to you say,

Don’t do drugs,

Do you remember when you protected me even when I was wrong?

Chastised me so you will never see me behind bars, and looked,

It worked, you never saw me again.

I don’t want to start a war that is my anger inside that just desire for it all to end.

I want to write a story about the cop who went to his fellow man and said, how can we change things?

I am here for you and by your side,

Let me be your guide.

Let’s clean up our streets and do better today, so the world can see that we can change.

Our war will end when love begins and we both put our weapons of unforgiveness down.

I’ll go first.

 

Monday, April 27, 2015

Worn Out Shoes


Worn Out Shoes

I love shoes. It is a part of my fashion addiction, and heels, I love heels, but I did not always get the chance to wear heels because I walked, mostly, everywhere I went, and trying to walk in heels to get your children from the bus stop is not a good feeling. I let my pointy toe flats do the walking. Yes, I do not own one pair of tennis shoes. All of my shoes are dressy shoes, but with walking from to and fro, all the time, it puts a strain on them to the point where they become worn out and I have to look for more shoes to wear, or try to make it with holes in the soles of them. I try to look past it and be positive like, Oh, God is blessing me with new shoes, or I must have new shoes on the way. You know speak it into existence. I was grateful that I had shoes on my feet, but with desiring to be known as a fashionista, I couldn’t walk around with torn up shoes.

                The other day I noticed the boots, that my mom gave me, that she so happen to get in the wrong size, now, has a hold in the bottom of the heel. I’ve worn those shoes all the time, so I really didn’t care to see that, and my decent white shoes when they bend back a little you can see them breaking. My pointy toe, black, leather, sandal like shoe has holes in the bottom of them as well. How devastating, right? I mean, these perfect pretty shoes that I adore: white pointy toe flat with straps across the ankle, double strapped, yes, black, suede ankle boots, and black pointy toe flats with a strap, is ready to go into the trash, but I keep holding on to them until I am able to buy me another pair. It is so tragic to say goodbye to shoes that I love and to have to go and find the style again, but my shoes being worn out came at the perfect timing,

God is rearranging my life. He has given me the ability to drive and my opportunity to drive is a story of itself. It seemed as if I would never see the day that I became able to drive my children around by myself without having to get out of the car when it is time to take the car back to whomever I borrowed it from, or from getting out of someone’s car that drove us home. I never thought I would stop hearing the whines and cries of my babies complaining that they no longer desired to walk anymore. I didn’t want to keep playing pretend that we were driving and see the disappointed faces of them knowing that they just wasn’t going to be able to experience the real thing. They wanted to ride in the car with their mommy, alone. They wanted their mommy to take them to school. They wanted to experience what it felt like to be a car rider, and not have to head for the bus every morning or afternoon. My desire was to give them that, but I just didn’t know how. I use to cry and beg, asking God to please, bless me with a car, and it doesn’t have to be the BMW X3 that I desire right now, it can be a small, four door car that is low on gas mileage and I am able to take care of it, and wow, he did just that. He blessed me with a vehicle, yes, you heard me right. He blessed me with an opportunity to drive, and I have taken my babies to school in the car, and even though it is hard to grasp that it is ours and it can’t be taken away from us, my babies and I still have moments of wondering when it will all end, but for the mean time, we are grateful for each experience we are experiencing right now. They are happy to get in the back seat, and they try to take care of the car the best that they can, and they fuss about who will put the gate code in or pump the gas, and it hasn’t even been two weeks, yet.

My boyfriend is the one who was generous enough to give me the car so I can get around and accomplish my dreams. He wishes the best for me, but I know it was only God that placed it on his heart to be a giver, and for that is he truly a blessing in my life, and I thank him dearly for it. I wish him much success because I don’t think he can fathom how much he has help change our lives. The acts of kindness that people choose to show forth are such a major act of love that I can’t explain.

 

“Beauty walks a mile in her shoes, but no one knows her feet is hurting.”-Matasha Lee

Monday, April 20, 2015

I Will Not Keep Quiet


The city was starting to be the place for me to hang out and I was loving the attention I was receiving from so many guys. I had come from being picked on and not being claimed in relationships. If was as if I was ugly or something. I didn't see myself that way, but the treatment that came from my peers spoke differently. I was picked on and made fun of to the point where I started to believe what they said about me and didn't see myself being any different than the words they spoke.

But, the city was different, I was considered to be a country girl because I am not originally from the city, fresh meat. I was just at my peak, seventeen years old on the road to being eighteen. Guys liked the fact that I was that young, but old enough to date where they wouldn't get in trouble. It was summertime and I wanted to go and stay with my cousin for a while. She stayed in the urban area of the city so there was always something going on. I had met a girl that stayed in the apartments, as my cousin, with my cousin's stepdaughter who was younger than me. (Name change) Jay was around my age and she seemed really cool. I wanted to hang with her, and let her show me around.

Jay, my cousin's step daughter, and I decided to go and catch the bus to the other side of the city area where we were in. We got off the bus by a gas station and walked the rest of the way, we were going. to meet up with her boyfriend. We walked around for a few until she saw him. We were going to go to his grandma's house, or someone he knew, and we were informed other guys would be there. I really didn't find it a problem. I wasn't really scared. I was getting use to the attention I was receiving, so more guys wouldn't be harmful.

When we walked in, it was a nice to play, and seemed very warm. It gave off that woman's touch. We walked into the entertainment area/living room, and about five to six guys sat on the couch playing the game. We spoke and then was left in there by Jay as she went to be with her boyfriend in another room. Everything seemed fine, and the guys weren't rude. They told that I can have any guy, in the room, that I chose. I was flattered, but was still getting use to guys speaking to me in that manner. I did, eventually, choose a guy to speak with ( I will not disclose his name). I met a guy, from my cousin's apartment, with the same name as he, but they had different spelling, so, that sparked up our conversation. He was easy to talk too. As we talked, a guy wanted me to come here. I didn't desire to be bothered, but I didn't choose to talk to him, and was enjoying my conversation. He insisted that I come. I decided to see what he wanted, and when I got close to him, he pulled me into a room against my will, and started to try to have sex with me. I was fighting him to stop but he was bigger than I, but I didn't stop trying to fight him off. I started screaming Jay, Jay, Jay, but no one came. I was screaming so loud, and was afraid because he was at the point of pulling my pants down. I didn't want to have sex with him. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted Jay, who I had befriended to rescue me, to hear me screaming. She eventually did before he could have sex with me. She came in and called to her boyfriend to get him off me. I was still screaming, but was safe because it had stopped.

We left and she told me not to say anything because I may get my cousin's daughter in trouble. I vowed not too. She was a minor and didn't suppose to be over where we were at. There was no harm that came to her, and after a while I was just glad nothing happened to her.

I never did say anything to anyone. After a while, I started letting people know what happen to me, but a very select few, others who wouldn't share what I went through. Secret after secret, I felt so unprotected.
thisiscolossal.com

That moment changed me because when I would have sex with guys I felt disgusted afterwards or I would need to feel pain in order to enjoy it. He wasn't my only incident of men being inappropriate. I started to feel that I had the radar upon me, and men knew that they could have there way with me. If I didn't experience pain during intercourse it then I didn't enjoy it. I had multiple sex partners because of it. I was seeking the pain that was in me in others through the form of sex. Even though that guy wasn't the one to hurt me first, he still added a stain, nevertheless, so much so, that the incident became apart of my story, but now, it is apart of my healing.

I gained strength over sex, a while back, to the point where I didn't need it. I went almost two years without it. It wasn't easy and some nights I would have dreams that brought me back to that pain that would spark urges but eventually the pain would go away. I still have my own issues to overcome, but I know God is healing me. He doesn't put pressure on me to change. He just guides my heart to something new, so I can desire to change.

I am in a relationship, now, and I did have a minor setback at the beginning of us getting to know one another, but things have gotten better, and I don't view him as someone who desires to harm me, but to love me, and with the love I have, I am learning to love him back.

 
It didn't break me by Matasha Lee
 
It seemed as if when the chains came upon my body to bound me through the
hands of another,
that it would break me down,
control me,
and attempt to not release me,
but,
it didn't break me.
 
Shattered upon the floor
not able to stand from the wounds of
heavy burdens I carried with me out the door of my afflicter's home.
It is almost caused me to lose myself in all the pain,
but, it didn't break me.
 
Long nights of no sleep because my body rocked with discomfort
the only relief was God's love rocking me to sleep.
His strength released the chains,
and gave me myself again.
No, it didn't break me.
 
It lifted me.
It didn't control me.
It released me.
Through it all,
it eventually gave me a mic to release my voice into to help others get through the same thing I experienced.
And, now, it heals me because it couldn't break me.
 
I took back control of me,
stood upon my own two feet,
in my weakness, God's love comforted me.
He wouldn't let me go.
He wouldn't let it break me.

https://keshavnarla.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/2-5-2010.jpg

I Forgive You by Matasha Lee

I forgive you for what you done to me.
No matter what I went through. God helped me to hold my head up high.
I have to admit
I never saw myself getting back up again,
but guess what,
I did. I faced my storm,
and eventually it helped me to soar.
You are forgiven because I have more love for you than hate.
My only wish that you will be able to forgive yourself.
I didn't forget what you done,
I don't excuse what you did,
but your pain couldn't linger in me
when love showed up,
and pain disappeared.
I am not afraid.
I am no longer bound.
My body is my own.
I own me, now.
You have no control.
I release you to be free from my chains I held you within.
I hope you prosper
and is able to feel God's love,
so you will never harm another again.
You are forgiven.
I forgive you.

(christianfreedom.org image)

 
 


 
 
 


The Road to Healing

Healing and Forgiveness goes a long way and is very important to me. I have had to overcome so much stuff in my life and the road to just being sane hasn't been easy, but the good news is that things are turning around and it is enabling me to be in a position to help and inspire others. I do not desire to tell my story to receive empathy nor sympathy but to help people to understand and know that they can get through it, no matter what it is, and if I am writing this to you to inform you of that, then I am letting it be known that I have walked a mile in my own shoes and succeeded. To me, it is wrong for me to not tell my story of overcoming and making it through. I don't wish to rehearse my pain, but to release my heart and The Beauty of my story.

I will continue on the beautiful road of healing and forgiveness for my topics this week, share poetry, and a beautiful story of a woman who overcame death because she wanted to see her mom: "I Am Not Dead: Ms. Carolyn's Story."

https://hipppieatheart.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/15471-spirit.jpg

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Beauty of my story: So Far!

I started this blog in March and with every intent to build my story as an up and coming author. My focus was to let the people know who I am. I didn't know when I first submitted my manuscript that I needed to be out there letting people get to know me, basically introducing myself. I am very sacred person that doesn't really like to share the parts of me that I really love. Writing is a part of that, I have always kept everything to myself. I use to try to share myself when it came to writing but it didn't work out that well. I have had numerous amounts of writing that I contributed too and wrote, but it was thrown away. I literally had to start from scratch with new thoughts, so many times, and now I'm here: writing again, learning again, putting myself out there again. Writing, Music, Fashion, and Creativity has consistently been around at every stage of my life, no matter what I've faced, and no matter what I've been through. I have always had my gifts. It is like being abandoned on an island and I have nothing but my creativity, they always find a way to come back into my life, and comfort me.

I thought that I was introducing me as an author, but my creativity through writing, music, and fashion are greeting me again as if they are saying, "Welcome, home, we've missed you." I have went back to what I love and now, I get an opportunity to share it with a larger crowd. It is as if my creativity is cheering me on, "Show them what you are made of." "You got this." And, I do, I got this and I know that there is so much within just waiting to burst out. I am going to be starting on completing another book, and hopefully I will be sending two books out into the universe to be considered than one. I am still head over hills in love with The Bride and desire for anyone who can to be able to get the opportunity to go and read about the characters and the backstory. We all deserve love and a second chance. Each day we receive that opportunity to be forgiven and become our best selves, every day. There is not a time that we do not get that chance. We have to just accept it. London had to accept that she was forgiven and that she can forgive. She had to deal with so many things on her road to becoming The Bride, but she eventually dealt with it, and became her unique self so she can be able to give that part of her to someone else.

It is important to know that The Bride isn't just a story that I created out of my mind, but an experience that I had to deal with myself, the book is the gift out of me, into the world that says, hey, if I can get through it, London can get through it, my dad and Carl, then you can too. We all deserve our happily ever after. I started the book back in 2011 and finished writing it in 2012, and then completed it, last month 2015. It has been a journey and now, it is time for it to be released out. It no longer deserves to just collect dust.

I have also learned so far that rejection is healthy. I received my first rejection letter from a publishing company that didn't say my book was horrible, but they liked my concept that was created, it just didn't fit them. I was okay with that. The fact that they responded was my joy because I felt that I was finally being listened too. I was just the happy, scared writer when I sent them my manuscript, I didn't know what I was doing but I knew I couldn't let fear stand in my way. Now, I have to overcome disappointment, but every no leads to the direction of an yes, so, I know that God is leading me and this year, I will have my book or more in my hand. I will be promoting my book, and you will see me at a local bookstore near you signing you a copy, as we continue to go through this process together because books aren't my final say. I have so much that is just waiting its turn to come out to the forefront and shine. My gifts and talents have never abandoned me, no matter how much I try to push it away or bury it, it fines its way to scream at me, and say, "I am here, pay attention to me, I have the breath of life in me, in order for you to breathe and have newness of life is to explore every part of me." Sometimes, I find myself not being able to focus on what I love because materialistically I desire to do better, but it isn't that easy. Yet, I do not manage to complain, I know I am fighting tooth and nail to remain strong despite my circumstance, and stick with the road I am on.

Who am I, now: I am a struggling writer, dreamer, free-spirited person that dares to believe in her dreams and what can manifest from those dreams. I am building my story, one brick at a time, and every time I see someone supporting me, they are showing me that they care to help place a brick upon the building as well. They care enough to be there. My circle is widening due to the love and support I am receiving. There are people out there that need me and I need them.

My bricks are helping me to go from The Beauty of my story to The Beauty of my Soul. (Stay tune)
I will not be the only one in the building!

not my image

 

The Road to Forgiveness, Literally

It was the day, yes, the day that I was going on one of my modeling interviews. I was so thrilled, and everything lined up to the point that I really thought I had it in the bag. I had the perfect outfit and my hair was done. God really blessed me to get prepared for my big day. My aunt had come to get me and we went to my little cousin's basketball game. We cheered him on and my older cousin stood in excitement to see her son play, and she was going to be the one to take me to the train station so I could attend my interview.

When we left the basketball game, my cousin had took me to a new train station that was beginning to be built after I left Dallas. I was kind of lost when I got there. It had been years since I rode the train and I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I had asked some people so I could be on point, and I waited for the red line (I believe) to take me to the west end station so, I could get another train to take me to where my interview was located. I'm used to going to the West End station but still it was different because things change and stores that were there then wasn't there when I went. I examined everything around.

I took in my day and as I road the train I stared out the window and thought about what my modeling interview was going to be like, and my future. I spoke to whomever was willing to speak to me, and I was off to my dream, ready to embrace what was about to happen.

I went to my modeling interview, and waited to see what my result would be. Now, I honestly do not remember which modeling interview that I went to that started my journey because I am picturing two different occasions of me going to my interview, but nevertheless, I know the outcome for modeling was a callback, but never succeeded in being signed. Modeling is kind of like my writing journey, didn't really know which way to go.

On my way back from the interview, a young man was on the train, and he was selling hair products, the products didn't look right to me, but I didn't really focus on that but the individual himself. I often pay attention to everything about a person who speaks to me because I never know if I will need it to help them, or to just be aware. He saw me and wanted to talk to me, but I wasn't interested. He wasn't my type but I am not mean-spirited so I will let people talk to me if they have something on their heart. He wanted to talk and tell me about his life. He told me he had a lot of hate in his heart. People had done so much to him, and he didn't see God in the midst of his pain. I knew my journey back home had just changed from getting to that new transit center to meet my cousin, but now, I was about to be a spiritual advisor into someone's life. I had recently went to some people in my life and ask for forgiveness, and to forgive them. So, I thought that my willingness to overcome qualified me to speak with him, and it was meant. He got on the train without a train pass or bus ticket. He was illegally riding with what appeared to be illegal goods. He was drawn to me, and wanted to just talk. I listened. I told him that I would give him my pass, you just have to make it until we get to where I am going. He didn't know and didn't have much confidence, but I told him to trust me. He did. We had to stop at one train station and the cops had got on to check everyone's ticket. He became so afraid because where we were sitting, there was absolutely no way for him to run. I said don't worry, let me speak. I got this. The officer came back to the back where he and I were located and ask for our passes I showed him mind, and told him that this young man doesn't have a pass, but I am on my way home. I am from Terrell, and I am not going to be here anymore. It is a full days pass that I can give to him. The officer asked the young man was the story true and he said yes, he looked at me and then told the other officer that was approaching with a hand signal to keep moving forward. The guy was so relieved and even more willing to converse with me, but more importantly, listen. God had given me the ability to show forth grace and mercy into this stranger's heart.

We travelled for a while, not running into anymore police, and talked so much that I missed my stop, the first time, so we had to turn around and do it all over again. The train eventually comes to an end, but God wasn't done with this young man's heart and it was some words in me that needed to sit in him. He didn't care to live, nor did he have a vision to succeed. His main focus was to survive the night. He had stories of the hate he had for his mom and brother. He had so much pain. I believe I was mentioning that God is there for you, and he was wondering where. I went back to the moment he saw me on the train. He had just stolen products from a store to make some money, really good hair products, and selling it for about half of what the original price cost. He got away with it, covered from guilty sinned that could have gotten him locked up, or at least fined and told not to enter the store again, but he didn't, so then, he gets on the train without a pass, and the cops could have thrown him off and fined him, but he didn't. Grace covered him, again. I pointed out over and over again how God was right there showing up. He had him at that very moment speaking with me, to let it go. He had him on a path of surrendering and forgiveness. I happened to be travelling through. God only knows what would have happened had we not crossed paths, but I had to leave him, but now, he had a conscious choice, what he did with it, I don't know, but the conversation between me and him gave me an opportunity to speak with my aunt, her brother and law, and sister on our way back about the incredible opportunity I received on the Road to Forgiveness. It started out as modeling interview and ended up being an opportunity to shine God's grace through me.

God is real. We must open our eyes of our heart to witness His glory because we very well may miss it, while we are complaining about what we can't change. We can't change what someone else done to us. How our parents didn't love us like they should have. We can't hurt them back because we felt hurt. What we can do is accept the abundance of Grace that is renewed by God's mercy each and every day. We are connected to the most compassionate Being we could ever meet in our lives, and we have access to that compassion everyday while we live on this earth and beyond. In scripture, it says, "Love covers a multitude of sins." Love covered that young man sins in order for him to have an opportunity to hear that God loves you. God stopped time to bring someone into his path to tell him, you are forgiven and loved by God. How much more can one ask for?

not my image

 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Healing: Let laughter heal your soul

Often times when I find myself having a really bad day, it never fells that laughter finds me or I find it. Laughter is so essential to just letting go of what was bothering me, and honestly, what was once trying to control me, it simply has left. I'm no longer bothered by what I was once letting consume me. I know laughter can be a form of healing but let's not rely on what I say let's see what some professional sites say.

"Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. Laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain, and protect you from the damaging effects of stress. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use."
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm

 

"Laughter is good for your health

  • Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
  • Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
  • Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
  • Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems."
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm

Laughing is definitely contagious. I am laughing now with my son as he record me singing, "Tis the season to be jolly." God is listening and he is sending hope our way. The positive thing about writing is that you leave a little note in the world to remind you of what you should do the next time you find yourself needing to heal.


"Creating opportunities to laugh

  • Watch a funny movie or TV show.
  • Go to a comedy club.
  • Read the funny pages.
  • Seek out funny people.
  • Share a good joke or a funny story.
  • Check out your bookstore’s humor section.
  • Host game night with friends.
  • Play with a pet.
  • Go to a “laughter yoga” class.
  • Goof around with children.
  • Do something silly.
  • Make time for fun activities (e.g. bowling, miniature golfing, karaoke)."
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm

Healing (pbs.org articles)

Touching on the subject of forgiveness always leads in a direction of healing because let's face it, it isn't easy to get over what someone has done, what you have done to someone else, or what you have done to yourself. It is hard to face up to the fact that, "I'm just not over it," but it doesn't have to end there, that is why we have a day to day process, just imagine if we had to cram Monday-Friday into our lives, not on the count, of everything else we put ourselves through each day, and the relationships we have to keep up like a tidy house, somewhere in the midst of our chaotic lives we have to find time to heal. I have researched some ways for us to heal. I am using the word, us because I've been there, and still find myself there sometimes, needing to revisit a happy place and tell myself what I have went through is over because sometimes pain tends to linger, and you have to clean up the residues of the stains that have been left behind. It is so many ways to heal.

"1. Go through it, not around it.
 I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is to stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must do. Because no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here’s a simple fact: You have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18 months of my severe depression, my therapist repeated almost every visit: “Go through it. Not around it.” Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me apart inside, then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain, I eventually surfaced as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain lost its stronghold over me."
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/12-ways-mend-broken-heart

There is complete serenity and calmness on this page the article is presented on.
Sometimes, it isn't easy to face our problems, or those who have hurt us, or simply the man in the mirror. We tend to desire to go around the issue, and hope it will just go away. I know I've had moments of hoping that what I am feeling or what I am going through would just pass without me having to deal with it, but I've often noticed that it keeps reoccurring until I face it. Lord, knows I hate facing it, just go away already, but as the statement in the articles say, we have to face it. Maybe, there are different ways of facing the problem. (Okay, I've been looking for articles that may have came up with creative ways of approaching someone that may have harmed you or a problem you have to face, and I'm not receiving the answer relatable to the topic at hand, so, I will move on.)
Nevertheless, journal entries is always a positive way to approach a problem and deal with it. (Write it down) I know one of the articles mentioned just simply accept it, and sometimes that can be the easiest way. I Accept what happen to me, but I will not be victim of it, I will be a Victor.
theyogaandhealth.wordpress.com

Friday, April 10, 2015

What is Unforgiveness doing to us? (Article from Mayo Clinic)

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might:
  • Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
  • Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
  • Become depressed or anxious
  • Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs
  • Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

 http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

I use to be a psychology major, and I believe it was in social psychology were I learned some of the risk to holding grudges, unforgiveness. I read that the person holding the grudge can physically cause more harm to their bodies than they will ever do to another because it causes health issues inside one's body. I know when I was so angry at my dad, but not just him, but babysitting anger like it was paying me, I was so sick, and it was one of the main reasons why I wanted to end arguing with my dad. I have acid reflux, but I have the disease called GERD, which causes a lot of pain, and I am not overweight, and when I first learned I had it, I was actually really skinny. Due to me, having so much pain inside, and the disease I could hardly get angry without it going bananas. I would have panic attacks on top it that caused the disease to be even worse, due to stress. I was often in the emergency room because it makes you feel like you are having a heartache and it attacks so much of your body. I hated crying or getting sad because I knew how much pain it would cause me. I needed to heal, and over time God gave me that opportunity. He really helped me heal to the point where I barely take any medication for GERD, and now, I know it isn't due to me being angry, but just a little side effects to what I eat, lol. But, I don't have panic attacks anymore, and when I cry it feels more like healing than hurt. I feel like I'm reaching towards joy. I really try to watch myself from getting disrupted in my peace. 

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:
  • Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
  • Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
  • Actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you, when you're ready
  • Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding."

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2

Forgiveness is definitely a journey because healing has to be involved. Trust me, it is easy to say I forgive someone, but the process afterwards is what often keeps us playing the victim role instead of being a VICTOR. Elderly people use to say and still do, "Honey, you have to take it one day at a time," that statement is so true because it is a process, and eventually healing occurs. Eventually, the breakthrough comes and you become wiser in your doing. The end result is peace.

"What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck:
  • Consider the situation from the other person's point of view.
  • Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
  • Reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you.
  • Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
  • Be aware that forgiveness is a process and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again"
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2


imgarcade.com
 

The Power of Forgiveness (Articles from Mayo Clinic)

"What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life."
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

Forgiveness is such an essential part of all of our lives to help us better who we are and our outcome to what or who may have just caused us harm, but forgiveness isn't easy. I don't mean that holding grudges is easy, what I mean is, the pain you have inside from the incident that doesn't seem to go away. I have pain inside of me that I didn't know was still affecting me until I started to desire to post about forgiveness, and I literally had to pray and ask God for forgiveness and forgive those who had previously hurt me. Unforgiveness can show up in new relationships causing you to be the victim all over again, and sometimes it isn't by intent, but a festered wound that just tends to overshadow what you really desire to do and that is love. I know that I don't intend on holding on to unforgiveness. My desire is to always forgive, so the other person will not feel guilty, but I really don't think I have properly healed. I know some people say some people take longer than others, and I may be one, but I definitely do not desire to hold on to unforgiveness. I guess it is only right to make it publically known that I forgive all those who harmed me, whomever may have hurt me in my life, whoever tried to send harm my way, and I forgive myself in the process. Forgiveness isn't easy, but it is possible, and it has benefits. I will keep exploring those benefits.

"What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for happiness, health and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:
  • Healthier relationships
  • Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Fewer symptoms of depression
  • Stronger immune system
  • Improved heart health
  • Higher self-esteem"
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

Mayo clinic has done a wonderful job with their article and helping us understand some benefits to forgiving and what forgiveness can do for us, but I think I desire to go deeper into healing. There has to be a beneficial healing process out there. Some of the things I had London do in The Bride was to volunteer and see what other people have to go through, but not only that but to give back. I also had her spend time overseas to interact with those she probably wouldn't be able to interact with on a daily basis, but another gift that I gave to London was the opportunity to have her father back. I gave her that chance because God gave me that chance. She learned about her father as a youth, and saw him as a human being and not just her dad. She learned how to have a new relationship with him. She learned how to have a new relationship with herself. London was able to enter back into the places where she first was hurt and lay her burdens down. We aren't all able to do that, but I think writing letters to those who have hurt us rather here or not here, can help to release the pain and put all the feelings down on paper, and then burn it or toss it away from your house, bless it, and release it into the atmosphere, and say Father, God it is yours to handle now. I release my pain unto you, and I ask for peace back. I believe today will be a day of healing so let me find some articles that focus on healing and letting go. I know Bishop T.D Jakes has a topic called Let it Go, so I will see if I can find bits of that. Hope, you have a great morning. I will be back.

 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

There is someone that I love that I don't speak about that often. I really didn't grow up knowing him. He was often spoke about because I grew up baptist and became a Christian. I thought due to my religion that I would have a connection with him, but after two baptisms and attending many churches I still was more disconnected from Him, than ever.

I read his story once before, and yeah, I was told of it often, but it wasn't till I read it in the bible that I understood that he was just like me. He was misunderstood like David in his cry in Psalms 22. I know that scripture vividly. I use to read it all the time and just weep. I felt just like him, how he wanted to just perish but still desired to endure till the end. Jesus had one of the same experiences, experiencing agony to go to the cross for the sins of us all. I followed his journey through the bible, and often found him alone, even his closes friends did not understand him at times. He was a loner, and what some would consider an outcast. I often wondered, how is this outcast so glorified today, would they have given him the same treatment today, and I look out into the world not far from my own story, and say no. There is no way the christians of today would remotely understand the Jesus, Yeshua, that really existed in the bible. You look out into the world today and you still see outcasts misunderstood, shoned away for their beliefs, and their desire to view the world, to roam free, and be of oneself, to understand one's journey. Christ knew his journey and he didn't deviate from it. He stayed the path he was destined to be on regardless of the issues he had to face along the way. He had great power of endurance that showed the power he possessed within him. He wasn't ashamed of who he associated with or let touch him. They called him an holy man when he needed to obey, but denied his holiness when he cured the sick or raised the dead. They didn't care to see how magnificent he really is.

Like him, I find myself, often, alone, talking to God, probably not just like him, but nevertheless, I still did. I go to Him like the father, parent, He is.I know I am comforted and renewed when I'm in His presences, no matter how long I stay, and intuitive enough to know when He is speaking to me, or desiring to lead me on a new path, no matter how often I fight it. He genuinely encourages me to keep going no matter what.

I believe my journey with Christ began in 2008, 2009. I believe, now, his love was always there, but I didn't understand it. Now, I do not believe Christ is the Father, but I do believe we are one in the same, which is God. We're all God, but I know my experience with Christ happened before my experience with God. I remember the day I got saved. It was like everything people said

Kool & The Gang - Celebration









Time to celebrate you, yes, you! You helped me reach a 1000 views and I couldn't be more proud of you for helping me. I hope you soar in life. :) Thank you. #teamgratitude

The Heart Of The Matter







It is time to get to the "Heart of the Matter." One of London's major issues in the book: The Bride was about forgiveness. She didn't conquer unforgiveness, so, it conquered her, and she almost lost everything because of it: family, friends, but most importantly, her sanity. She could have lost herself in the wake of her unforgiveness, but she pushed through and found a way to overcome and she got down to the heart of the matter just like India speaks of in this powerful song. It is about forgiveness, "Even if you don't love me, anymore." I desire to speak on the topic of forgiveness and share some things from different websites to help, not only myself, but others that may be struggling with the idea of forgiving someone or themselves.



There are health benefits connected to forgiving someone, but there are also health risk connected to unforgiveness. I will like to explore both.



I have dealt with unforgiveness on many levels and it feels good to finally be able to let go and heal. I think sometimes the biggest road block on the road to healing from someone hurting you, or you hurting yourself is learning to forgive you. It took me a long time to see that even though I was asking for forgiveness from everyone else, the most important person I needed to forgive was me.



I never thought forgiving would be a process, but it is. Sometimes, it can be so rooted that you don't even know you are operating in unforgiveness. Hopefully, through some of the things I post on my blog from different websites, it will help shine a light on what it is we need to do to be able to forgive and learn how to love again.