Fighting for the Vision by Matasha Lee pt. 1
I had just got back on Facebook after a weeklong of being off and I was somewhat relieved. I had also written that day, so I felt accomplished. A few people liked it on Twitter and soon it would be mentioned, but as soon as I got back on fb I was messaged with, “I love you,” and I responded with, “I love you too.” “Well, I just wanted to let you know, daddy just had a heart attack.” I felt so confused but a part of me wasn’t afraid. I felt like he would be alright and he would get through it, but I hated that I couldn’t call him nor could I drive out to see him, so I texted him and was going to do everything in my will power to get to him to make sure he was okay.
Not even two hours later, I am receiving a phone call from my oldest brother saying that my dad didn’t make it. I screamed that he was lying and immediately my world darkened and I felt so much pain inside. Everything that made sense no longer made sense. Everything that was possible no longer seemed possible. I never knew my world could shift in such a way where I no longer understood life. Immediately I felt withdrawn from the world I knew. I cried so heavily that I felt my heart begin to ache and I felt my insides being ripped. My head felt like I would explode. It couldn’t be true and I wasn’t in a position to believe it. I was just waiting for my dad to show up and tell me it was a lie. I went temporarily insane. I have Tourettes which causes your body to have dominance over you when you have no control, and boy, did it show up that night. I felt like a little kid again, lost and in desperate need of love.
My family came over and tried to get me to go to the hospital but I was not having it. Even though I can’t fully control how my body reacts when my Tourettes act up I can comprehend everything that is going on around me and they had to drag me out of the house. I felt as if they were taking me away from my dad. I held on to the rails real tight and pleaded for them to leave me alone. They lied to me and told me that my dad was still alive. Even though at the time I didn’t believe that he was gone, I knew he wasn’t any longer with me when I received that phone call but I needed to be at home so he could tell me that everything would be okay. Pain came on me like it was becoming new skin upon my flesh. I couldn’t shake it. I just became completely covered and my eyes wore a dark veil that kept me from being able to see any light in the room.