Thursday, December 24, 2015

Pen, paper and tears by Matasha Lee

Pen, paper and tears by Matasha Lee

Some pain can make you lay your pen down
And choke every word that desires to come
As you attempt to reach down and grab the pen
The very air leaves your body
And life begins to wrestle with your soul
And the kid that danced within
Now only weeps.
As much as I desired to go back to that paper
And let it all go
It felt as if I was ripping in two.
I wasn't ready to let go
I wasn't ready to believe.
I wanted to break free from the veil that covered my eyes.
I wanted to feel my chest move accordingly to a normal breath.
It isn't easy but ink is meeting paper,
And they are holding hands.
My heart says, Are you ready
To deliver a word again.
I am not
But I push to sing a song of
Surrendering all
And letting what will be,
Will be.                                                                    

You live in my dreams by Matasha Lee

You live in my dreams by M atasha Lee

I can't talk to you anymore
Nor physically can I hold you
And you are no longer here
And my hearts yearns to have you near
But in the midst is now where you belong
In the morning dew is the only place I can witness your love.
You have to show up in the wind
Or in a beautiful song.
You spoke to me through music
And told me not to forget love.
I carry you with a sacred place
And each day I choose to let you go,
The more we connect in spirit.
When I am afraid you appear
In my dreams I see your face
And even though you are no longer here
I can still feel your warm embrace.
You let me know it will be okay
And trouble doesn't last always.
Your birthdays are now memories
Holidays are moments of silence
But in my dreams you forever live on.
I will wait for you tonight.

Your daughter 💕.                          

May I heal your heart by Matasha Lee

May I heal your heart by Matasha Lee

I will not point out the flaws of those who came before me
Because every decision they made helped teach lessons that now become my blessings.
It molded you into the man
I can now call my heart.
You may not see that bright star that led me to you
But God gave me traveling grace and a map to
Point me to where you are.
You are my reflections of prayers
That molded me to become a part of you.
Yes, I see you because I see me
And my sight isn't distorted by the images of wants
But a deep intimacy of love that is unconditional.
As my soul heals I can gather with your heart
And we can dance under each moonlight that our nights will have to offer.
Each sunset we embrace will sing sweet melodies
And our morning will be cherished too
As I look over my shoulders to see you there.
We are whole that is why we can be as one.

Butterfly song by Matasha Lee

Butterfly song by Matasha Lee

Wings of perfection,
Strong and bright,
Life's winds sing as you dance with music in the sky.
Life's cares
has becomes life's dances
As you play amongst the other beauties that fly with you.
You find pleasure in the twinkle of the sun.
Many admire every aspect of your being and you know that nature waits for your arrival as the midst of spring gleams the air.
But, you only imagine within the cocoon that that is what life has to offer to you.
Because as a caterpillar the admiration wasn't there
And in your size you felt defeated.
You seen what you could become
In your heart, you knew, but
Time made you wait
As you crawled through the dirt
And was only seen as bird food.
Many laughed at your thought of flying amongst the trees.
They saw only your right now.
You have no wings,
But you have come from a mighty long way
Of caterpillar days.
Fragile, but being perfected.
You are in the precious moments of delivery
Waiting to see one wing reach the new day offered
Then another to begin the life that calls your name.

Happy Holidays to the Broken hearted by Matasha Lee

Happy Holidays to the Broken hearted by Matasha Y. Lee

Happy Holidays, it seems as if everyone is enjoying themselves except you.
In your despair a bed of tears is your comfort
And darkness has gathered to lay with you.
They sing peace on earth
And you weep to seek peace within your heart.
No love ones to call and no one to care.
Not a materialistic thing excites you
And the voice you once cherished,
Can now only whisper in your sleep tonight.
Your mind is weary and your troubles are by your bed side.
Let this day transform for you.
Let your mind create a new thought.
Even though it seems like being happy would be a waste of time,
Here is my message to you.
Happy holidays to your heart.
Joy is bringing you a laugh.
Memories of good times are flowing to your mind
And depression is being arrested.
No one to gather
Say a prayer and indulge in the solitude of love that feels the air.
This isn't your moment to be surrounded by laughter, this is your moment to reflect on all the good things even if it seems far fetched.
I'm not writing from a place of sympathy as I take time to gather with love ones.
There is no Christmas decorations hung in my home,
Just spreading the love that God gave me.
You will get through it.
You will pull through it.
Happy Holidays to the now healed one,
Who has made it this far.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Fighting for the Vision pt. 3

My uncle came to speak to me and the sound of his voice was too similar to my dad's that I immediately turned to him and cried daddy but it wasn't him. The veil that covered my face got darker as the time went by and my dad didn't come out of the hospital. I sat in the car not desiring to enter the building not desiring for people to see me so shattered. The ugly dark side of me that was left vulnerable without my dad there to protect my flaws. My auntie finally got me out of the car and helped me to enter into the hospital. The lights were bright and people were everywhere. I couldn't take the light shining on me as I entered the room, but I was too sad to hide my vulnerability. I was too hurt to play pretend like everything was okay and even though I was physically there, my mind had left the building. I sat in a chair by myself to blind to look anyone in the face and I don't know why when my Tourettes act up I can't remember who people are and it hurts to look them in the face. I sat going insane wanting my dad, needing him, my heart felt crushed. I sat crying asking for my dad, where was he. I just wanted my dad, a simple request. People tried to speak to me, the pastor available to speak tried to say he was praying for me but I didn't hear anyone, as a matter of fact, I covered my ears with my fingers and repeated that I wanted my dad. The veil remained heavy and everyone was invisible. Pain comforted me and shoot everyone else away. I sat in the chair going insane and as I had to endure sitting in a chair with no physical cover to block out the pain I didn't want anyone to see. As I waited in the chair hoping to go through the procedures of saying my final goodbye, it never arrived. I'm not use to going to a hospital and the family being called to sit in a chair. What the hell did they bring me there for to sit in a bright light and be judged for not being able to keep it together. Oh, I knew that the walls of what I once knew had just came crumbling down. My dad didn't just die but my support system, friend that I had gained, and the reason why I was able to keep it together was gone. Wait, what, my dad is gone, he isn't coming back, no impossible, I don't believe it.

I could no longer sit and wait, I started crying even harder. I felt humiliated and I didn't understand why they thought it was okay to pull me through the torture of telling me that my dad is no longer here, to send me to a hospital full of people, and yet no give me one single chance to say goodbye, to hold him, to tell him to wake up, to lay in his bed, to kiss him, to touch him. I needed my dad was that so hard to understand. They couldn't have me in the hospital crying my heart out and pleading. They pushed me in a wheel chair outside to try to talk some sense in to me, to drill into me that he wasn't coming back. Yes, I didn't get comfort, love, I got insensitive bitches telling me to pull it together that my dad isn't coming back and I can't see him. Heartless people that didn't understand my desperation. What the hell did you bring me to the hospital for if you weren't going to let me have my moment. I could have died in the darkness of my home where I found out. You wanted my children to not see me hurt then go and get my dad and wake him up. Come and get my children and take them away from seeing my madness but do not expect me to be a mom when at this moment I am child without a father.

not my image