Monday, October 31, 2016

Transportation 2

Transportation Pt. 2:

2010, I decided that I had enough.

In May, I went in for an interview with multiple managers at a bank inside of a WalMart. I had never considered to be in banking but I wasn't about to turn down the opportunity. It was one of the highest paying jobs that I ever had and I was sure to be able to move out of my mom's house and find a place to stay for my little ones and I. The interview went well and it was my people skills that won them over and helped me to receive the personal banker 1 position and start my training process.

Orientation was in Arlington, and we got paid for it, Thank God, it came with benefits but I was going to have to work for it, I had to catch a ride to get to Arlington but it was somewhat, easy to convince someone because I didn't have to go to Arlington anymore, but who would want too, it was an hour away from where I lived.

The first part of training would be in Carrolton, a 55 minute drive, and even though they were housing people that stayed far and for those driving far, reimbursement on gas, I didn't stay far enough and I didn't have a car for reimbursement. I had to ask a guy friend if I could stay with him just to get back and forth to training. It also meant leaving my kids behind and I had felt that feeling before and it made me very sad because I had left my son to attend school and work in another city, I didn't desire the same pattern of repetition as previous times, especially, because I had never left my daughter before, but I had to think of the opportunity to succeed and have better for them and end this cycle once and for all. He let me have his room and didn't bother me but he was only kind for a week, I had to figure out the next week. While, training, I felt like I belonged and arrived. I felt empowered and things seemed to really be looking up for me.

I had to go back to the place I had escaped from, for a little while, in order to go to training, I hated the feeling that I was back in that place because I had finally got the residue of the stains of being there off me and I didn't have to wake up in hell anymore.   I don't remember staying there long but thank God, I learned how to ride the bus while I was there, before, so, it wouldn't be any problems of asking for a ride.

I had to travel from Terrell to Dallas in order to go to the next part of training and I didn't have a car, mind you, there was no position like this one where I lived. My opportunities had limits and low pay because I didn't have a lot of qualifications except college and retail. Retail didn't pay much and it was very stressful. My focus was to stay as close to fashion as I could but the lack of pay and hours, I was losing sight of my ultimate goal and it seemed far out of reach. I had ask my cousin to take me to work and she didn't mind, kind of, she had to get up really early to take me in the morning and for me to be there on time because at a bank, you had to clock in by a certain time or the system would alert the cops and the heads up, which would look really bad for you. The excuse would be inexcusable, so, early in the morning we rose to take a 35 minute drive to Dallas to begin my training. I felt so small not being able to drive, but I had to focus on the possibility not the circumstance.

Eventually, after a couple weeks of training, they would notice that I needed to be closer because working in Dallas would soon become a burden for me. They moved me to Rockwall and that was what sparked in me the chance to just go for getting my licenses on my own, but not before the issue of transportation would continue. I was asking my cousin, sister and law, and taking public transportation that cost me $14 for one day. They also wasn't getting me there on time, (public transportation), I needed to go to work and arrive on time, instead of picking me up, they arrived an hour later stating that the bus had to be fixed, even though I called ahead of time and scheduled a ride to work. See, this is how our bus system works in Terrell: You must call a day ahead of time between the hours of 8 am to 4 pm, Monday-Friday, in order to receive a ride, and you can schedule a ride, as long as there is an available time, if not, you are screwed. You can't work any evenings or night shifts because they don't run at night, 6 pm is the latest coming from Rockwall. It cost more to go out of town and they only travel to Rockwall County and Kaufman County, maybe another East Texas area. You can go to Dallas for medical reasons but nothing else. As you can see as I said before, limits. The driver that came an hour late and had to drive me 25 to 30 minutes, plus, to Rockwall would attempt to apologize to my manager who was informed that I was late and wasn't able to open the bank in time, resulting in the higher ups being notified and the cops being told not to come down that it was okay. Her apologies wasn't heard and I was written up, no excuses, remember. I had signed a document stating I had reliable transportation but I didn't. My mom would soon teach me a rule that I would never forget, it was better to arrive early and wait, then, to not arrive on time. I had heaped her warning and changed my routine. I went to the donut shop or waited on a bench outside until it was time for work. I also started catching rides with someone who was riding back to Terrell. It all seemed to be okay, until, the weekend, and that is when all hell would break lose again. I needed to be at work and I didn't have a ride, oh, did I mention that the buses didn't run on the weekends. My sister and law wasn't available and my cousin either. I had already been written up and I was tired and very depressed. I didn't want to call with another excuse and get in trouble, so, I called to end my position and boy, was I a wreck, I cried something horrible, and told my manager that I had to quit that I couldn't provide her with more excuses on why I couldn't come in and there was no hope of change in sight. She said I was welcomed back if I needed a job and things changed. I got off the phone with her and lost it, mentally. I remember walking with my daughter, in her stroller, and I just wanted someone to hit me, for a minute, I was not myself. I was beyond tired and I just wanted everything to end. My hopes of moving would soon be tainted with no hope at all. Ending my life, at the time, felt better than staying one more day on earth realizing I was a failure.

I don't remember the amount of my other checks, even though I didn't lack in finances, but my last check I would forever remember because I had never received that much money from working before, and it wasn't for a month, it was over $800 and I was floored. I took my kids and aunt out to eat. It felt awesome because I had never sat down at a restaurant with menus with them before. It felt different and they were happy. It was also the check that would pay for me to go to driver's school. I had enough and I was going to pay my own way to attend, it didn't matter the price. I walked to driver's school, paid for the adult class and at the age of 24, I had just learned that they had changed the law, 18-24 year olds had to take driver's education, the written part, in order to take the driving test. I had arrived on time, and things seemed to be finally be turning around. I passed my exam with flying colors, a 100 on one part and 95 on the other. I was about to receive my licenses, but with restrictions, I still needed to take the driver's part, oh and pay for my licenses, that I wasn't informed about. They didn't offer driver's Ed for adults without cars. They said they could help me with lessons but I needed my own car or someone else's in order to take the test. I had gone a few steps again only to take many back. It didn't matter how many times I wielded my way back up, I was steady being knocked down. It would be another 4 years until I seen that restriction be lifted off my licenses but not before heartache would strike again.

Transportation 1

Transportation pt. 1,

2009, my first restriction:

2009, felt like a better year than my previous years that I had experienced. We had moved into some really nice town homes and my little ones had their own room, particularly my son. We were still living with my mom but our living was better and safer. The first week or two of living there, I was able to know what it felt like to have my own home. It was just my little ones and I because my mom was cleaning up the other apartment and had to wait for her lease to be up. Our new place was ready so I decided to move in with what I had. I didn't care. I just wanted some peace and I received it. A lot had changed since the arrival of my little girl but the sun was finally shining like never before. My friends from college wanted me to go back to Richland and I had missed attending college up there as well. I wanted to go back and with my financial aid money & work, I would have enough to pay to go to school. Working, school, and now, knowing the feeling of being a mother of two, would soon become too stressful for me but I couldn't stop because I had to make a life for my children and I. School was 45 minutes away from home, but I didn't desire to attend anywhere else. I was five classes away from receiving my associates degree and I could finally, attend the university of my choice. It was my plan back in 2005, to attend a community college and skip taking the ACT or the SAT to attend an university, plus, my test scores from TAKS English was high enough to get me into college, so, I didn't have to take the THEA either. My intelligence was paying off, but (I think, now, I would have told my eighteen year old self, take the SAT and go on to a university, trust me, go live your life) intelligence didn't help pay a bill and it was becoming a burden on my mom to take me to college on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I also needed to stay late to study, some days she would sit in the cafeteria area or car and rest just so I could finish up. I had a lot of tiring days but my grades were really good. I had high As and Bs. I was on my way to excelling and all those years I missed of not being able to attend college or finish seemed to soon pay off.

The day of finals, I was so thrilled because I was passing all of my classes and was almost done, but I would never make it to take my test or the test they held for me in order to keep my grades. My good grades would all turn into Fs as if I had never attended school at all. My mom's car wouldn't start that day and no one was available to take me. I needed to get to my finals, but I didn't have a way. It was over and with me being on financial aid, they wasn't going to understand that I didn't have a ride, they only cared about the 4 Fs I received. When I went to the school to get my transcript and other items, I had found out I had a block, and I couldn't receive it until I paid $591 to get it off. Even if I wanted to attend school again, the block remained, and I was only going to finish by starting completely over as if I never attended college at all. My family nor anyone I knew had that kind of money. I was smart enough to go to school but I definitely couldn't afford the bumps in the road that came along the way and for that reason, I would never attend Richland again. The door had closed and I wouldn't see my chance to attend school, until April of 2011, until then, I had to wait.

Borders and Walls

Borders & Walls

As I pass along on the bus,
Staring at women dressed in fine garment,
I noticed that they sat at tables with umbrellas and holding shopping bags.
They sip on their fancy drinks,
And I see the homes that they live in,
Town homes shaped in Victorian style,
Side by side,
Like I'm in New York,
But I only pass to say,
One day,
One day, I will stop and be at that place of walking the streets of the town.
I return to work to pay for a dream I didn't even know I had.

I make my way into the streets,
I have finally arrived,
My kids play in the parks,
And we go to the markets,
The bars are no longer foreign to me,
The drinks I have sipped & taste,
I've become a regular in this town
And things seem to change.
Weekend after weekend,
I indulge in the likes of glamour and sophistication,
Weekend after weekend,
And yet, my curiosity grows.
I look around and witness the border and the wall,
Weekend after weekend, we don't leave the same spot,
It is as if I am on the bus again.

I speak to expand our horizons
But life gives me the option to gather outside of my comfort zone.
While shopping in a new place,
I am informed of a famous designer that is in town.
I drive to see and run into the wall.
Do I enter into this area of the unknown, uninvited,
And wardrobe unknown,
But excitement won't let me Stay behind closed doors,
So, I enter, afraid, but too excited to show,
I touch his hand and take pictures,
Day time,
Week day,
Things are really changing in this town.

Weekend is new,
Earlier, we travel there,
Meeting at a spot we hardly travel too,
Seeing a face, we hardly see,
He takes us into the new,
Further back,
We travel and a new bar we enter,
My color is gathered together,
While the rest is scattered around.
I gaze at the scenery and take it all in,
I don't dare to let them see
That my eyes is witnessing a new,
And a new wall is tumbling down,
Faster than I can allow,
And as I much as I want to stay hidden in my shell,
I soon rise to converse in a new place.
Victorian Candle chandeliers,
And old castle style bar menus,
I hear women conversing about The Derby and what hat to wear,
Also trips to London,
And things have completely change,
I check out their garment,
And post their style online,
I see trollies pass by
And can't wait for my children to sit in its seats.
I finally hear my voice in the new place and after that,
Nothing remains the same,
What other new places will we enter,
What other new things will we see.

The weekend isn't over
And we have already met new laughs,
We travel again,
While the evening turns into night,
And I am liking the early arrivals,
I decided to let it all go
And sip and be merry,
Tonight will not be different,
I enter into what started the journey years ago,
An uptown apartment,
But before I see with new eyes,
I am met with frustration and disappointment that would soon lead me to walk away,
Was it my frustration with the person or was it the heaviness of the wall that kept me away,
Did the border read, Now, you are going too far,
It was a part of me that screamed, you must go back, whatever you do, you must go back,
We turned around,
With aching feet,
To enter back into the place,
And the wall, finally, breaks,
And we enter with all colors alike,
And the music plays,
We drink to be merry and new conversations are lit.
Things were changing,
And home was starting to not feel like home anymore.

I travel back,
Week day turning into Week night,
My most stressful day of all,
Dress code,
I don't know,
Frustration at a high,
Further beyond the wall
I travel,
Gifts, we are greeted with,
Learning areas that I haven't expanded myself too,
From bar food to winery to restaurant cuisine,
It expands to a different scenery,
The crowd is different,
The laughs are too,
The only color that is there is the colors that we show up with,
We are greeted with different,
Drive in,
And my appearance gets us a greet,
This place,
Scenery looks familiar,
But the upgrade is seen.
We are greeted with drinks,
One after the other,
It is time to rate the foods
From one to five,
The environment is very different
And so, am I,
The borders are clear,
But I'm not the one standing outside,
The borders will be revealed,
And I will finally see what kept me away
For nine years,
I didn't enter into this place,
And, now, I will know why.

I learned of the different taste of wines,
From Australia to France,
What foods taste better with what,
But the rich doesn't have time for lessons,
It is best you learn on your own,
But there were no books in sight,
So, you sneak into conversations to learn.
Your power is in your beauty and nothing else,
Your knowledge is uninvited in this place,
But fear can't sit at the table,
So, I smile and converse anyhow to anywho.
We feel the stares of the outsiders daring to ask us how did we enter,
But we are unashamed,
And I am comfortable being here,
The night isn't ending, it only begins,
Like on Devil wears Prada,
The names are given before greeting,
A smile and handshake will do,
From conversation we will visit some of the places spoken of,
We enter a new place,
The stares are different and these walls are too,
But I am only familiar with its walls
Because of a Plies song,
We enter to sip on a drink,
My color is waiters there,
The women are fancier here.
I'm learning the garments
And the lingo too.
Every garment isn't for each place,
Cocktail dresses will be my next investment,
Just to sit comfortable in this place.
Depending on where you sit your garment will change,
One area I fell in love with
And saw my wedding in that place,
The drink is new,
Even though I ordered the same,
The night isn't ending,
But the clock is ticking,
Yet, we enter into a new place.
This place is different,
The head up is my color,
But he is still a worker,
The garments have changed,
Beauty is still our ticket
For conversation,
I am no longer,
Seeing a wall,
The stress of the old
Dares to greet me here but I dare not worry,
I embrace the new drinks,
Menus too,
Also, all the different new foods.
I am taught that what I use to shine light on is small,
And I am definitely not in Kansas, anymore.
The tab is closing
But our dancing shoes are still on,
And I say to myself,
While others go to church on this day,
The wealthy come out and play,
We are ignorant to ever knowing
Because we sit behind the wall.
We enter back into the town,
And my mind is made,
I will never be the same.
My hunger has grew and my taste has changed,
I went beyond the wall,
Tore down the borders.

And as I sit to write,
I begin to see,
The mental borders that have kept me in line.
I travelled to one area of Uptown,
Trash and violence seems to take its place
While laughter is ringed in a new way,
The borders are high
And these people are blind to see
At how they are kept behind close doors,
They are given one night of pleasure,
And the ones that dance
Are blinded by the ideas of the wall,
Even though they enter,
Without telling them they can't,
They dare not travel beyond the wall,
Weekend after weekend,
The same occurs,
And my eyes are wide to the truth,
But I cant help but cry as I look at ignorant fools
That stay in their place,
Even though no one has told them too.
You see them not during the day
Nor when the week day turns into night,
They don't even know that the wealthy has named it the ghetto part of Uptown,
When I travelled on the bus,
I never once saw a resemblance of the ghetto,
I didn't see what those with wealth see,
But you never hear them complain
Or force them to go away,
They just find their times to party
And times to stay away.
How is it possible to teach yourself to only march around one wall,
I truly understand why the walls of Jericho had to fall down,
So, the children of Israel could understand that nothing is impossible.
The mental borders come up but they must be torn apart,
In order to into a new place that hasn't ever been entered into before.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

War by Matasha Y. Lee

War by Matasha Y. Lee

Straddling at the fence of life,
One foot in the direction of what I was brought up around,
the other just trying to get away,
And so desperately I stomach to endure,
While, I sit with a notepad and pen, microphone and voice, magazine and thoughts,
Trying to tune out the madness that I have created,
Only wanting to be here,
But not able to afford to stay,
In poverty,
Time stops and that is when I take my chance,
I sing behind close doors,
Write masterpieces on napkins,
Create stellar pieces of art with clothes,
My talents and gifts shine so beautifully,
Then the madness convinces me to enter back in,
I prow myself from my true identity,
To play with life's demands,
Not happy and unsatisfied because Im not making enough to stay in dream land longer.
Why does hunger birth the idea of wealth
And richness is found when time stops,
Not when it clicks;
Not when the jazz player prepares
But when he plays?
Why must my heart feel so rejected
To feed the thoughts at play?
Oh, yum of the earth, with your delight at satisfying men's needs,
I ask you to fulfil my desire
Of ending the war that is within me.
End the screams and tears that press their way out of me that wants me to hear them,

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

In the corner by Matasha Y. Lee

In the corner by Matasha Y. Lee

Praise, oh, what wonderful praise,
As the room fills up with happiness,
And life is like a kid discovering a balloon,
And realizing the magic of its power of being able to stand and not bend, as the child holds it in his hand.
The laughter, the joy is remarkable and that, my friend, is what they call life.
Oh, and what a beautiful life it is,
Like the butterfly realizing that though it suffered in the space of no return, it now is given the chance to dance all around the world,
No matter where its wings take it,
God said play, for now on, and it did.
It is considered a mythical creature because of its heavenly ties.
What happens when the room grows dark,
And the knock seems to end,
And the joy seems to fade,
And only you and your voice are left
Within the corner.
The corner of the room,
You look at the place where you went insane
And it says, sit and eat with me, my friend,
You cry until rivers flow,
Because you dont want to be there,
You dont want to feel pain and hurt
Creep upon your skin like the legs of a spider
Or the tongue of a snake.
No, no, no,
You cant bare the thought of the recording of past thoughts telling you why you arent where you desire to be.
You try to run from that corner
But it snatches you
And forces you to stay,
Madness trys to sit in,
But your inner child awakes
And in that corner
You begin to write
The beauty of moving forward,
You call upon your imaginery friends to help you to remain positive while pain cradles you to sleep.
And, in that corner, my friend,
You do not go mad,
In that corner,
You learn to dream and even bigger dream.

Friday, September 2, 2016

When you've hurt her by Matasha Y. Lee

When you've hurt her by Matasha Y. Lee

She sits at the edge of the bed
Leaning and deciding, long wait of silence, in a
empty room, worth the trouble of seeing if a lifetime will be spent
Because at the current moment
She can't see to grasp if the next minute will keep her where she is to dance with the idea of being your girl, yet along your future,
But why must she lie to herself
As if you guys made love the night before
When the man that she stares at is unrecognizable,
Yeah, she no longer knows you,
So she doesn't feel that she has been with you,
But more of a violation from a stranger
That she cries to wash off the scent of you
That keeps lingering and lingering.
The scent of you keeps lingering
And the thought of you
Catches her slipping
Until she is no longer on the edge of decisions any longer.
No, my friend.
She is done.
Done like the path of yesterday that can't be walked down,
Down like the tomorrow that will not exist between you too.
Done like the day that has gone by.
Done like the love she planted and let take roof,
Now, she has to unroot from you
And the ideology of carrying your last name.
Because you hurt her and there isn't a repair,
She chose to flatline the thought of ever letting two become one.

Juke Box written by Matasha Y. Lee

Juke Box by Matasha Y. Lee

Let me put this quarter in and see if it works.
The music plays
And people join hands.
They smile with unspeakable joy,
As the shadows of yesterday are washed away
And she no longer carries the burdens of being alone.
Her family sings with her.
They eat and be merry.
The food is served hot
And she can see her family gather around her table to celebrate her success.
She feasts on the idea of the beautiful feeling of being loved.
(Please insert another quarter)
She sways in the music she hears as laughter erupts
Exploding the hearts of those who are merry from the wine
Of socialization as they gather to witness her triumph.
She says
(Please insert another quarter)
Wow, so, this what love feels like.
How beautiful the sound of friends cheering and dancing to the rhythm of the beat,
Swing those hips,
Shake that hair
Stomp that
(Please insert another quarter)
But, I don't have anymore.
Well, I guess it is over for you.
Back to reality you go.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Idol god by Matasha Y. Lee

Idol god by Matasha Lee

I worshipped you and I bowed before you as you fed me my worth, oh, what little worth it was but I ate and called it gratefulness and when you didnt feed I would beat myself with nine tails until you fed me again and it didnt please you.

You became my god and it sparked your eye to praise me when you felt the need and shame me when you felt like it.

You showed you didnt care but you had no need too because I allowed you to treat me whatever way you desired too because I not only honored you but I loved you. I loved how you showed that you cared when really it was torture and never truth. You only showed yourself mighty never showing yourself weak, so in my failure I would think if only I could be like you.

But your mental strong hold is breaking in my darkness you didnt appear. I cried for you and you abandoned me but while you were away and I laid in the pit of my despair, a beautiful presences, so true came to watch over me. He healed me, stitched up the wounds you left open, wiped away every last one of my tears, gave me new air to breath, and a new view.

Over the years I became troubled because you werent there but a new day is here and I am no longer searching for my idol god, for I have no need of you. I see the God within me, standing, so bright. I know who I am and I will no longer worship you.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

I just want to feel like a little kid again by Matasha Y. Lee

I just want to feel like a little kid again by Matasha Y. Lee

He stares into my eyes
And the Big Bad Wolf no longer exist,
I do not have to be brave,
I can be released into his arms and feel safe.
He has no intent on hurting me.
He has no intent on making me feel small.
His desire is to embrace every air we breath
And shelter me from the rain
That tends to leave my eyes.
He keeps the world outside
But leaves the sun in my heart.
I'm that little girl again,
I blush when I hear his voice,
My eyes brighten when he holds my hand.
I become shy when he kisses me.
I melt in his arms when he holds me.
The S melts off my chest
And the crown is placed on my head.
We fly away from every moment that tends to become darken
But the storms we do not hide from
No, we embrace as we soar
While the thunder roars
I am his peace and he is mine.
I am no longer empty
Because he is fulfilling
And chances are it isn't over
And it never will be,
We are each other shelters,
A well kept secret,
A eternal love race,
I always feel the chase,
The chase remains,
And I stay,
His words are not a lie,
His trust is a right hand,
Our birth is secured in his land.
He says, my darling, hand over your shield,
I trust to let go.
He smiles,
And then twirls me
And, then, I lay,
To the rhythm of his chest.

This is MY LIFE by Matasha Y. Lee

This is MY LIFE by Matasha Lee

I release myself from the bandwagon of the religious status quo
That has for too long told me to suffer
And lay at the feet of man
Begging for forgiveness to cover up my sin
That allows me too be happy.
I curse my own happiness to be morally right in front of the crowd
While my heart rebels and says I will never join you
While you wear the mask of unhealthiness.
You walk on cracks and break backs because you are too afraid to stand alone.
Why are you afraid to stand alone?
When in darkness you weep for a friend
And in the light you cannot enjoy because you need someone's hand to hold you
But it was only your voice that broke through the cracks of your screams.
Pull yourself together and be proud of your life
And your smile.
How can one judge your happiness when it is you that wears the smile?
How can one condemn you when it is your joy on the line?
Pull yourself together and rise!
You deserve what it is your heart weeps for every day.
You deserve every stitch of garment that brings a sparkle to your eye.
You can't afford not to be happy.
You can't attend enough seminars to wake up to the truth
THIS IS my life.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Lay me down by Matasha Y. Lee

Lay me down by Matasha Y. Lee

I know they are no longer,
Physically available
To hear the screams of my cry,
To see the broken girl
Who asks a million questions of why.
I know they are no longer here to help me
Hold my head up high,
To strengthen me when I feel weak,
And yet, though I know,
I obtained the knowledge of having the understanding,
I still find myself all alone,
Wanting them to come to answer my question of why,
I want to believe my know,
To accept the silence,
To come to terms with the safety of answering the door
Or not jumping when I hear the phone ring.
Oh, God help me
And lay me down
Till I feel, pain, no more,
Till my tears no longer sneak out my face to bear witness to
The image of me holding on to the string of hope
That one day,
Some day,
The illusion will break free
And I will be the bride
With my mom and dad by my side,
That I am not the woman
Still forming a fetal position
Not capable of standing again,
But I'll be a woman with pain on my back
Able to carry my story into fruition
With their souls intertwined
Into mine.

Dark Waters by Matasha Y. Lee

Dark Waters by Matasha Y. Lee

Unburied tears
Create a new landscape to be featured by men
They stare at your beauty
Not understanding
How it took form
How it was pressed out
From the bosom
Of the mother's womb
Who birthed this very nation.
She understood her breathtaking image
Would once be glorified
But she also, painfully, knew
That her tears
Will be misunderstood.
The agony
Of knowing
That her children
Will weep to form such
The salt of the earth
Would be their wounds
The blood would form their grass.
The rivers will carry her children.
She knew and the dark waters of bathing
Would form from her.
The dark waters will flow from her.
The dark waters will be everlasting to everlasting,
Their will not be enough droughts to kill her voice
Murmuring through the wind
To call forth the pain
That has birthed her beauties
In dark water.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Raw Beauty by Matasha Y. Lee

Raw beauty

Authentically seen with flaws
Painted on as a remembrance of the
Journey being embraced.
Each tear forming into the river
That leads you.
You are not like any other.
You can't see yourself at times,
But here you are,
Unapologetically, happy
Embracing each piece of joy given to you.
Telling happiness,
I belong here
Telling pain to rest in the bosom
Of your peace,
Undeniably, embracing each flaw
As if it was the treasure map that guides wise men.
You are the soil of the earth that brings forth fruit into this world.
You are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, important,
This world wouldn't exist without you and it isn't going to exist without you
For it will shape a different way if your soul left the physical realm of its time.
They will notice the emptiness of your presence no longer available.
You can't reason with doubt,
You must destroy it
Like the warrior you are
And embrace the time spent in the dark
For you have shed light
In the wound of the forgotten
But you aren't forgotten.
You are a hidden gem
For a time that will manifest
And your glory will rise out of you
Like the Phoenix taking new form.

In the midst of it all by Matasha Y. Lee

In the midst of it all by Matasha Y. Lee

Let it all go
And free yourself from the agony
Of the unknown
And embrace the bliss available to you
Within this moment.
Quiet your mind
And free yourself from any noise that may damage your heart.
Strive on to see the change that so awaits you as you become
The beauty of each glow of your skin.
Live in hopes of carrying the fighting torch of tomorrow
As you walk in victory,
But remember,
In the midst of it all,
Who you are
And what you have been called to do.
Remember your name
And why you were chosen to lead the light into the darkness.

Not my image

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Web of familiarity by Matasha Y. Lee

Web of familiarity by Matasha Y. Lee

In your heart you tell yourself, Never again.
You attempt to move on from what you once knew
But deep down you hope someone misses you as you take one step forward,
But in reality like the clock keeping up with time,
You realize not a soul stops and wanders.
You realize in frustration that there must be one
So before you move on to new ground
You dare travel back to the old, to the familiar place
Only to witness that life moved on without you
But you see what use to be
In the web of lies you tell yourself
It is better here.
You tend to set up shop back into the comfort of troubles
Only to dance with the illusion of happiness
Until sadness rears its ugly face
And the love ones you saw as healthy and whole
You realize that they are deteriorating.
The friend you once adored develops horns of the enemy
And you begin to realize that you are dancing with death
So before you try to escape back into the serenity of moving on
You are now caught up in the web.
You pray and pray, God rescue me
As He begins to cut the cord.
He sees you broken and troubled
And says have trouble no more
With nothing left you throw up
Your hands and say, Lord, I surrender.
He places you on the right track
And in hopes you finally take the new path.

Intimidation Room by Matasha Y. Lee

Intimidation room by Matasha Y. Lee

Can you stand to be blessed?
Yes, can you stand when everything around you is falling apart
And it is hard to see your vision that you declared over your life.
Will you become small when you enter a room of people who have had a greater experience than you?
Can you walk into a room with billionaires and not shy away?
Are you afraid?
We ask to be bless but are we ready?
Truly ready to handle what is to come.
Can you stand to be blessed alone?
Yes, can you stand to be the only one in the room with wealth
Or do you desire everyone to be happy?
How can you sit in dark rooms crying your eyes out with no comfort for those you are expecting to be there but the minute a wealth opportunity arises you need everyone on board?
Can you stand it?
What is it?
To loose it all and yet still be able to face tomorrow without losing yourself.
Oh, can you stand the negative comments that will be made because some will think that you think you are all that?
Can you stand to be the most hated person alive?
Oh, will you be able to take it when your life is now in front of a crowd and they are chanting destroy her?
You want to be bless,
But are you able to withstand
The Intimidation room,
Or are you ready to leave now?

By Matasha Y. Lee

Emerging Souls by Matasha Y. Lee

Emerging Souls by Matasha Y. Lee

In the wake of the phone ringing and hearts dropping
We listened in on the receiving in of learning that our father didn't make it.
Our hearts erupted with sadness as our minds turned back the hands of time as a fetal position my body was placed.
The screams were tormenting that was released from my lungs.
My voice shattered into pieces
And I wasn't an adult anymore, for a child I became.
I held his picture all night because it was too painful to let go.
I couldn't ease the hurt.
I couldn't wash away the pain.
Only God came to rest with me
While my head I would lay.

But after a while I got back up again
My eyes started to see light.
I held back the words I spoke
And tried to bring some delight
To the chaos I had to experience
And knowing that he will never come back again.
Frequent dream visits is where we meet.
Intuitive smells bring him back to life.

As I prepared my heart to agree with laying my father down in peace
Because even though he has a grave site I still chose to hold on,
Tragedy struck again,
Oh, not again,
No, not again.
I just cried from opening the wound of my father
And accepting what I couldn't change
And now, my mother.
The wound that was opened up to produce me
Now sealed by the hands of a truck.
Like a rag doll with no life tossed to your death.
Dead on arrival,
Your body taken away from us.
We heard your voice before the violin began,
But it was silenced as two sheriffs approached my door.
I knew in my heart, it was you, after a comment on fb
Revealed your car, that plastic came from my house.
It was your brilliant idea to keep you warm from the broken window
That let in too much air.
They asked me if I knew you
But I knew the knock
They didn't have to tell me
It was you
But I became a child again
Wanting my mom.
The rollercoaster ride looked too familiar
My permission wasn't granted for me to get on.
The screams, anger, and pain all came to sit at my feet
While I wanted to cry myself to sleep.
She was gone.
Snatched away from us.
Text messages and phone calls sent the alarming waves across the town that it was you that the news reported on.
It was you in the fatal crash with only your body as a shield.
So, here I am 3 days later adding you to my scorned heart and I am tired. Sickness is apart of my daily routine.
We have to wait again to see your body.
My brother, this time, doesn't have to be strong alone.

Now, both of my parents are in spiritual form
Rid of their earthly clothes
Peeled back from their deformed bodies
As they take on the energy of the earth.
They are powerful enough
To speak through the wind and the trees,
To be as bright as the sun
To emerge with love
That fills my soul
And strategically mends every wound
Their families bare.
Our souls conjoin as twins.
I am now spiritually superhuman because they live inside of me.
I have my mom and dad back again
After the earth ripped them apart.
A duo that only God could have brought together
To Emerge with my Soul.

Pen, Paper and Tears pt. 2 by Matasha Y. Lee

Pen, paper, and tears pt. 2

Wounds can make you put your pen down,
So afraid to let the black ink meet paper again
Not wanting to interrupt the silence that has risen out of a thousand screams.
Because the silence is comforting for a while
For whatever the reason the thunder isn't rolling anymore,
It feels nice to hear the other sounds of the earth for whatever time
We have to feel that feeling
Without having to rest against the waves of life crashing,
Now having to seek peace within our dreams
Because silence now speaks with a mighty roar.

The  storm eventually passes and the pain begins to stop
And the birds begin to chirp as the sun comes out to play.
Life has opened up that beautiful window of hope
And it seems that this time life will flood me with grand opportunities and chances for love.

Touch of the Skin by Matasha Y. Lee

Touch of the skin

I never knew that the skin could be such a delicate source to
Store within the memory bank of the heart for further moments of comfort when one's physical presence is no longer available.

I never knew till I lost you and all I wanted to do was touch you. Feel your face. Let you become back real to me, to awaken the kid in me that sees joy floating like balloons in your eyes. The red is for choosing and in that moment I desire to float to you. I feel that balloon will carry me to where you are, to touch your face, one more time,

and it will not feel lifeless and cold to me. You will be awakened in my sensors again and I will feel my hand rising as my tears fall and my weary heart is replaced with the red balloon as I am sent back home.

Written by: Matasha Lee

Beauty in Ashes Pt. 2 by Matasha Y. Lee

Beauty in Ashes Pt. 2 by Matasha Y. Lee

She slowly learned how she was placed in the wrong soil
Concrete layering underneath.
The thought of growing in ashes with roots in cement
Was laughable,
But since she was birthed in complication
The Glory of her Father laid rest upon her trails and
He favored her even more.
Through out her ups and downs,
Flaws and all
He never left her side.
He sent angels to crack her foundation
And just when she thought she was sinking
She was being rescued.
She no longer wears the residue of the ashes
She is truly transforming.
Stay tuned: Beauty Manifesting '16

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Dark Beauty by Matasha Y. Lee

Dark Beauty by Matasha Y. Lee

You are not a mistake,
but a decision made within the heavens.
You were birthed in utter darkness,
But you brought light into the world.
You sung into the moons and the stars.
No you are not a failure but a completion
Of God's hands that molded perfection.
Every single part of you
From your skin to your nose
Was perfectly crafted so Beauty can know what it should look like.
Yes, Love honors your existence and your very being was made for a time as this.
Do you recognize the voice that you speak.
Do you honor the words that cross your lips.
You have forgotten that you are the pure gold
That man seek.
You are the enchanted one
That the world desires to discover.
You drive out hate with love.
You are the shadow in the dark moon rising.
The very echo in the waves of the sun.
You are the cause of commotion within the earth realm that evaporates nature to seek an answer.
Power bows down to you for you to do as you please.
You are the heavenly choice
And the Angels sit to wait to hear you sing.
Your skin is painted with the finest of the earth's core.
Your eyes painted with the whitest snow.
Your lips carved into perfection.
You are the starving artist's voice.
The rich man's treasure.
You are the clouds above that whisper
Well done.
You are molded to shape the thunder that roars in the sky and the lightening that strikes.
Fear not your hips and fine shape.
Fear not how you were created to be.
Everything about you is a story of unfolding.
Beauty's first song.
The night's lullaby.
Love who you are and
Agree with the manifestation of your being.
Let you not forget
Who you really are.
Not the identity given to you by the world or the name your mother called you.
She had her time to cuddle you and shape you,
But this is your season to speak and say,
This is Who I AM.
I have awakened from my sleep,
Tossed away the chains that bounded me.
I stand powerful in my truth.
Dark Beauty is my name.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I want to be born again by Matasha Y. Lee

I want to be born again by Matasha Y. Lee

Lay me down by the river
Place me in the water
Let my body feel every molecule
I will close my eyes
Do not lift me till you see my body fully transformed
When you see light open the sky
And hear a voice say, "Well done,"
Then let me go!
For when I rise,
I will not be the same.

Returning to the place of Drowning by Matasha Y. Lee

Returning to the place of drowning by Matasha Y. Lee

I sit at the bottom of the sea
Engulfed with the water
I lose sight of my last breath.
Above the surface is not where I desire
To resign.
My place is here,
Beneath it all
Desiring to swim but I only sit until I lay
And ask myself is this the place
Where I will let it all go
Every hope,
Every dream,
Every chance to see the sun awaken over my head
And the stars smile at me.
Is this it?
I release a tear as if it mattered.
It was within the water.
I release myself to float
After opening my eyes and I could still see.

It has been years since my drowning.
I really, at that moment, wanted to stay within the water.
I wanted to awake on the other side of the sun
And become back part of the stars.
I wanted to feel weariness go away.
I returned to the place of drowning
Not to return my body
But the chains.
I have no need for my past
All of my pages are empty.
A new life has emerged within me.