Monday, April 20, 2015

I Will Not Keep Quiet

The city was starting to be the place for me to hang out and I was loving the attention I was receiving from so many guys. I had come from being picked on and not being claimed in relationships. If was as if I was ugly or something. I didn't see myself that way, but the treatment that came from my peers spoke differently. I was picked on and made fun of to the point where I started to believe what they said about me and didn't see myself being any different than the words they spoke.

But, the city was different, I was considered to be a country girl because I am not originally from the city, fresh meat. I was just at my peak, seventeen years old on the road to being eighteen. Guys liked the fact that I was that young, but old enough to date where they wouldn't get in trouble. It was summertime and I wanted to go and stay with my cousin for a while. She stayed in the urban area of the city so there was always something going on. I had met a girl that stayed in the apartments, as my cousin, with my cousin's stepdaughter who was younger than me. (Name change) Jay was around my age and she seemed really cool. I wanted to hang with her, and let her show me around.

Jay, my cousin's step daughter, and I decided to go and catch the bus to the other side of the city area where we were in. We got off the bus by a gas station and walked the rest of the way, we were going. to meet up with her boyfriend. We walked around for a few until she saw him. We were going to go to his grandma's house, or someone he knew, and we were informed other guys would be there. I really didn't find it a problem. I wasn't really scared. I was getting use to the attention I was receiving, so more guys wouldn't be harmful.

When we walked in, it was a nice to play, and seemed very warm. It gave off that woman's touch. We walked into the entertainment area/living room, and about five to six guys sat on the couch playing the game. We spoke and then was left in there by Jay as she went to be with her boyfriend in another room. Everything seemed fine, and the guys weren't rude. They told that I can have any guy, in the room, that I chose. I was flattered, but was still getting use to guys speaking to me in that manner. I did, eventually, choose a guy to speak with ( I will not disclose his name). I met a guy, from my cousin's apartment, with the same name as he, but they had different spelling, so, that sparked up our conversation. He was easy to talk too. As we talked, a guy wanted me to come here. I didn't desire to be bothered, but I didn't choose to talk to him, and was enjoying my conversation. He insisted that I come. I decided to see what he wanted, and when I got close to him, he pulled me into a room against my will, and started to try to have sex with me. I was fighting him to stop but he was bigger than I, but I didn't stop trying to fight him off. I started screaming Jay, Jay, Jay, but no one came. I was screaming so loud, and was afraid because he was at the point of pulling my pants down. I didn't want to have sex with him. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted Jay, who I had befriended to rescue me, to hear me screaming. She eventually did before he could have sex with me. She came in and called to her boyfriend to get him off me. I was still screaming, but was safe because it had stopped.

We left and she told me not to say anything because I may get my cousin's daughter in trouble. I vowed not too. She was a minor and didn't suppose to be over where we were at. There was no harm that came to her, and after a while I was just glad nothing happened to her.

I never did say anything to anyone. After a while, I started letting people know what happen to me, but a very select few, others who wouldn't share what I went through. Secret after secret, I felt so unprotected.

That moment changed me because when I would have sex with guys I felt disgusted afterwards or I would need to feel pain in order to enjoy it. He wasn't my only incident of men being inappropriate. I started to feel that I had the radar upon me, and men knew that they could have there way with me. If I didn't experience pain during intercourse it then I didn't enjoy it. I had multiple sex partners because of it. I was seeking the pain that was in me in others through the form of sex. Even though that guy wasn't the one to hurt me first, he still added a stain, nevertheless, so much so, that the incident became apart of my story, but now, it is apart of my healing.

I gained strength over sex, a while back, to the point where I didn't need it. I went almost two years without it. It wasn't easy and some nights I would have dreams that brought me back to that pain that would spark urges but eventually the pain would go away. I still have my own issues to overcome, but I know God is healing me. He doesn't put pressure on me to change. He just guides my heart to something new, so I can desire to change.

I am in a relationship, now, and I did have a minor setback at the beginning of us getting to know one another, but things have gotten better, and I don't view him as someone who desires to harm me, but to love me, and with the love I have, I am learning to love him back.

It didn't break me by Matasha Lee
It seemed as if when the chains came upon my body to bound me through the
hands of another,
that it would break me down,
control me,
and attempt to not release me,
it didn't break me.
Shattered upon the floor
not able to stand from the wounds of
heavy burdens I carried with me out the door of my afflicter's home.
It is almost caused me to lose myself in all the pain,
but, it didn't break me.
Long nights of no sleep because my body rocked with discomfort
the only relief was God's love rocking me to sleep.
His strength released the chains,
and gave me myself again.
No, it didn't break me.
It lifted me.
It didn't control me.
It released me.
Through it all,
it eventually gave me a mic to release my voice into to help others get through the same thing I experienced.
And, now, it heals me because it couldn't break me.
I took back control of me,
stood upon my own two feet,
in my weakness, God's love comforted me.
He wouldn't let me go.
He wouldn't let it break me.

I Forgive You by Matasha Lee

I forgive you for what you done to me.
No matter what I went through. God helped me to hold my head up high.
I have to admit
I never saw myself getting back up again,
but guess what,
I did. I faced my storm,
and eventually it helped me to soar.
You are forgiven because I have more love for you than hate.
My only wish that you will be able to forgive yourself.
I didn't forget what you done,
I don't excuse what you did,
but your pain couldn't linger in me
when love showed up,
and pain disappeared.
I am not afraid.
I am no longer bound.
My body is my own.
I own me, now.
You have no control.
I release you to be free from my chains I held you within.
I hope you prosper
and is able to feel God's love,
so you will never harm another again.
You are forgiven.
I forgive you.

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