Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Attraction

I can happily state that I am attracting better quality men and more people like me, which is awesome because I use to only attract thuggish type guys which then I guess that is what I was into even though I never fit that look, I had a way of blending in, but what was inside of me couldn't be denied because the men that approached me represented what I couldn't hide: heartbreak and undecisiveness. I really was in the middle of life walking a very fine line. I was in school but I lived my life waywardly and not on the surface because I went to college during the day and worked at night, so, it didn't seem as if I had time, but I did, when the urge came on and I would seek to devour what would take the pain away. Having kids always slows you down, but before they entered into my life I was lost to say the least. I was just existing and not really pursuing my dreams. I wanted to be, I guess, normal, in some type of sense. Now, if you knew me that is not what you saw in me, but that is what I kept presenting and since I wasn't sure of myself, my relationship life with people, in general, not just guys, was wishy washy. I didn't really come across people that wanted to be fully committed to me, but the attraction to me, is undeniable. I can attract anyone I desire, but getting them to stay is a totally different story. People change out my life like clothes, and I know why.

In the pursuit of becoming a style icon, you have to really know who you are, and everyone knows the journey doesn't start outside but within. You have to discover what is within you that the world can see and learn from. I had too many mes. I was everywhere, starting over too many times, and when I didn't feel that what I truly desired wasn't working fast enough, I would seek to blend in again, but what style icon, genius, changer can truly blend in with those who speak normal. As soon as I opened my mouth I looked like a fraud. They knew she is not normal, but someone that is ment to shine, but they didn't tell me that. What they attempted to do was to destroy me. They wanted me to be all in with the lifestyle that surrounded me or choose to be different. I couldn't be both, even though my actions took me to some dark places, sad places that I am grateful I am no longer there, so life pushed me way out of my comfort zone and said you have to go back to being your unique, genuine self, and it was a fight. I fought tooth and nail, I couldn't understand why, but eventually, it led me back to writing, to my passions, to what I love, to me.

And, now, the guys I speak too, reflect that. They are becoming my new mirror. I am seeing authenticity in them, and no, I am not prepared to be anyone's lover, partner, my desire is to just keep discovering me, I pray that I grow stronger in loving me and staying the course of truly accepting myself, gifts and talents.

not my image

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