Wednesday, March 11, 2015

What do you do? $20,000 in debt

I saw the bumps upon his skin.

They grew all over his little body.

He cried because they itched,

I saw bumps form in his little hands where mommy couldn't reach them,

I knew my son needed medical attention.

I called my dad and asked him if he would take my son to the ER.

He agreed and took him to Sunnyvale Hospital.

He came back and told me that my son had hand, foot, and mouth disease.

He will have to be out for two weeks.

I needed a second opinion,

but I didn't have time to process what was really happening.

Earlier in time before my son got sick, I was accepted into the University of Texas in Arlington.

I was so excited because I never had step foot on a university campus to attend it.

It would be my first time, and after eight years of pursuing one degree and finally graduating I thought I was on my way to living the life I had always dreamed.

In the back of my mind, I kept hearing what are you going to do with this degree?

I had plans to be in marketing for the mean time, until I could get my Doctorates at UT Austin in Social-Personality Psychology.

I didn't know what I would actually do with it, but I knew I wanted it to reroute back to my dreams, and that I wanted to help people, basically not to go through what I went through that was my focus.

I had told myself as a kid in the fifth grade while arguing with one of my classmates that I was going to be a psychologist. I was determined from that day on.

When I finally took the steps towards my bachelor's degree, I knew my dreams where finally coming true and my hard work had paid off.

I accumalated debt a long the way but hey, I was going to move up in life, I had no need to stress,


Life happened.

I got accepted and couldn't go, but I'm not a quitter, let's reroute, and try a different way to enter. I settled to attend the school I had just graduated.

I reapplied and got rejected, wait, what, I just got accepted and I didn't even go. I made the grades. I had a 4.0 when I left my other school, not my overall gpa, but for that semester, and the one before. It felt good to get all As and see that letter from the Dean, and being on his list. I felt proud, so why was I being rejected?

It was a mix-up. They corrected the mistake, and I couldn't smell the air of Arlington, but I could still attend for summer school, online.

June 2nd, my 27th birthday, I posted a picture for Instagram and Twitter in my UT Arlington shirt that I received on orientation day. And, I said, "I'm starting school on my birthday, yay!"

I made one A and two Bs. I was proud of myself, and couldn't wait for August to come around.

When August came around it got very dark in my life, I didn't see myself attending UT Arlington, but I knew I couldn't quit. I wanted someone to help me. I didn't want to leave my babies behind without a home to attend school (I have felt that pain before, but that is a different story with different title, stay tune for: Invisible Girl's Pain pt. 2) I was going to a university in a city that didn't offer transportation. I didn't have a car. I didn't want my limits to limit me.

I wanted to go to school, but the odds where so heavily against me, and I needed the money from financial aid. I needed to be able to take care of me and my little ones.

I knew going to that school was not a great decision, but all eyes were on me, and I had already made a public announcement.

I was able to attend, yes, to step foot on that glorious campus, to sit in the classrooms that I saw on television, to not just be a minor in the college world but I was, "Moving on up."

I felt proud. I had made it. I defeated the odds, but I borrowed rides to get to school, paying people $30 to $40 in gas to take me an hour away from my home to hear those young professors' voices that looked the same age as me.

Sometimes weeks would pass by before I would be able to sit in the classroom again. My grades suffered poorly. I had all access to everything I needed to succeed, but I couldn't touch it because sometimes I needed to borrow a ride from school as well. My brother would take me and my friend would pick me up from leaving her job.

I hustled until that day my son came home from the emergency room with the second opinion that added more days to him being out.

I had already missed so many days. I couldn't hustle with a sick child at home. He needed his mommy more than I needed to hear the door silently shut went I entered class late, or hear my pandora go off when I entered a room with wifi, while the professor was lecturing.

I knew my school days would be over. I had to make a decision, quit school and save my gpa that I had built, or keep trying when the storm passed.

I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't get myself to do it.

The day had finally come and I could hardly get any words out, I needed to drop out of school.
I felt defeated. I cried, unstoppable, and I asked, "What do I do, now?"

I swimmed in the pool of defeat for so long. I listened to some of the greats but they couldn't help me be lifted from the agony I felt. I couldn't sow enough seeds to bring me a harvest because my well ran dry.

All I saw ahead was gloomy days, and not to mention the embarassment I was about to face from being somebody to back to being nobody.

I watched my relationships fall apart. I heard my stomach rumble again. It had been so long since I heard the sound. I saw my head bow in humility to ask for someone to help me pay my bills.

Time went on, and I was left without an answer, until I felt the nudge to write again.

Finish the book, what book: Invisible Girl's Pain pt. 1.

I procrastinated. Who wants to see me as a writer? Really? I never showed anyone my writings like that before and it was going to leave me exposed.

I had been covered with clothes of this is what I'm doing now, nakedness scared me.

My writings were raw. I didn't know if I would be ready to let anyone see me bare.

I finished the book. I haven't edited yet, but I wrote my life down on paper.

When I finished, I started to complete another book called: The Bride.

The Bride is a book based on my life, but with different characters that have to live out the art of forgiveness and learning to love again.

I completed that book, edited it, and sent it off to a publisher.

I had never knew that I could send my work off for free.

All the information that I ever wanted to know opened up for me, and if I didn't know something, God sent his angels to my rescue and connected me to people that could help me and I could help them.

What do you do?

You live again, You do the faith shuffle.
You pray again. You eat with such richness upon your tongue.
You sing with such heart upon your lips.
You devour life and tuck it in at night.
You believe again.
The clouds of darkness are only shadows of light that lets you sleep again.
There is no clear, cut answer.
I could lose everything tomorrow, but right now, I have everything and everything to gain.


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