It amazes me how for so long I have struggled with life like I was in a wrestling match, and losing. I looked over my emails and discovered my writings that I had saved or sent to myself from back to 2005. I seen that I had been pursuing the same dream, I am pursuing now, then, but naïve. I didn’t really know where to turn, and it seemed that I had an abundance of opportunity but I had to pay for it, so it really never gotten anywhere and with no one around to be a guide on if I should pay or what healthy decision I should make, I made none. Now, ten years later I am finding out about all the information that I have desperately been in search of for like forever, and I’m struggling with, Am I good enough? Why, why have I gotten so far and now, still I struggle?
It is funny that you are told for so long that you must work for everything that you receive but when someone hands you something or life just opens the door without the struggle like you can’t find your key, so you struggle with trying to open the door not realizing that it has been open all alone, that is me. I don’t know how to receive the good without the pain. I know I need rewiring. I need to change the patterns of my mind, and it isn’t like I don’t have access to change, it is just in the mean time of working on me, life keeps going and going and going without my two cents or with a care on how I feel.
I wonder if people stop to see if I’m okay, or is it too much to ask because I’m so tired of believing in me on my own. I don’t have a support system and have known that since my days of desiring to be a model. Don’t get me wrong I have had people with me for steps, but they haven’t stuck around for the miles, and I need miles. I need someone there that will say, don’t give up. I will help you because I believe in you. I have my babies and I love them, but they can’t help mommy. They are there for me but they can’t be an adult when they are children and they can’t be my shoulder because I need to be theirs.
I have stopped my life to help someone else’s dreams manifest upon the earth. I can’t say that I was there through it all, but I definitely lend more than a helping hand. I just wish I had someone in my life that would sacrifice time to help me.
I don’t want to struggle on my road to where life is leading me. I want to embrace the changes that I am faced with. I desire to walk gracefully down my road. I want to pack lightly for the journey and not be consumed by what I can’t change. I never give up when it comes to the desires of my heart no matter how long it takes for me to say, I don’t want to struggle anymore with my decisions, with how I view life or what I really want, and I don’t have to beat myself up because I have gained access to the door that life has opened up for me by me finally just simply opening the door.